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Formative Community Study Guide

© 2024 by The Redeemed, Nathan Dewberry and Paul Amos, Trustees

All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the author.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked MSG are from The Message. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked NCV are from the New Century Version®. © 2005 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

CONTENTS

Introduction

How to Use This Guide

Session 1: Know Your Goal

Session 2: Promote Safety

Session 3: Forge Brotherhood

Session 4: Awaken Your True Self

Session 5: Live by the Unbreakable Code

Session 6: Ignite Your Fire

Session 7: Create Room for Others

Session 8: Be Consistent and Continual

Session 9: Support the Game Plan

Introduction

Every day, millions of men maintain the strong, stoic façade that is expected of us. Before we could speak, we were absorbing messages from our families about what it means to be male, to be a boy, to be a man. Our teachers, coaches, neighbors, and peers also contributed to our understanding of what we must do to be a man.

While progress has been made in breaking through stereotypes and cultural expectations, many of us continue to struggle mightily behind our façades, grappling with insecurity, self-doubt, fear, anger, addiction, depression, and anxiety. We learn to mask our emotions and struggles so that even those closest to us won’t glimpse that we’re hurting.

The tension between what’s going on inside us and the persona we project to others is exhausting. We turn to old ways of coping that do more harm than good. We isolate and work harder to appear as if nothing’s wrong. We retreat into the false messaging we’ve absorbed about how to be a man.

Then, inevitably, our coping strategies fail us. We face a crisis, loss, or unexpected event that sends us reeling. We are cornered into choosing between life and death — addressing our needs and risking vulnerability or self-harming toward physical and emotional destruction. We know we need help but aren’t sure where to find a safe place without judgment, shame, and additional pressure. Maybe we’ve even taken a risk and reached out to a friend, fellow believer, pastor, or small group only to end up feeling misunderstood and lonelier than ever.

Nathan Dewberry, Director of The Redeemed, recalls such an experience during one of the toughest times in his life:

I was walking through a season where sexual sin had become my go-to to deal with the pain of my divorce and my overwhelming sense of failure and worthlessness. Because of my strong faith background and the keeping power of God, I had never let go of what I knew to be true and continued to remain involved in the local church. I, however, did not feel like I could share with many what I was walking through and battling most of the time on my own.

In desperate need of genuine community and support, I attended a group and shared with a leader the ongoing struggle I was walking through. He was kind, but it was clear he could not relate, and I really felt like I took a risk, opened up, and then it just fell flat. He listened, but there was no, “Hey, I am in it with you. We can get some help together.” It hurt and left me disappointed and feeling even more like a complete and total wreck.

Praise God, though, I took a risk again and found a different small group in which I found acceptance, compassion, and encouragement. God remains faithful and created us for relationships, for community with others committed to growing in their faith and being men of integrity. We live in a fallen and broken world, and often times we let the failures of others determine our view of God and our willingness to take future risks. We can’t. We have to take the risk to connect with others as we will never be healthy on our own.

You were not designed to go it alone.

Perhaps now more than ever, men face the daily challenges of navigating relationships, jobs, finances, children, aging parents, temptations, and addictions, along with the anxiety that comes from living in our competitive, polarized world. And while many men can find solace in religion, others—particularly those facing the stigma of unemployment, sexual issues, alcoholism, or drug addiction—shy away from churches because they fear being condemned or gossiped about.

The Redeemed exists to provide men of all ages and bac grounds with a supportive, communal environment where they can discuss their problems, worries, struggles, and feelings without fear of being judged or censored. And while the values of The Redeemed are rooted in the redemption God has granted us before we’ve even asked for it, we welcome men of any faith or no faith at all. We present God’s redemption not as a trophy that can be won only by the worthy, but as a welcoming path that is open to all. On this path, we can also connect men with qualified professional help for medical, emotional, or addiction-related issues as needed.

You’re not alone in whatever you’re facing and feeling. God’s love and strength are more than available to you—not in spite of your human struggles and failings but because of them. The process of growth, restoration, and healing begins with experiencing genuine community. That’s what this study of formative community is all about.

Dare to hope for more than what you’ve been settling for.

Dare to receive all that God has for you.

How to Use This Guide

Group Size

This study guide is designed to be experienced in an online group setting with approximately eight to twelve men. By the second session, the group will be closed to new participants at the discretion of the group leader. You are encouraged and expected to contribute to your own group experience as well as the experience of the other men participating.

Materials and Preparation Needed

Everyone in your group will need direct access to this study guide, which includes the opening questions you will discuss, main points and principles, directions for activities and discussion questions, and personal reflection in between sessions. We strongly recommend reading through each upcoming session prior to your group’s next meeting. However, if you cannot read ahead every time, don’t let that keep you from coming to the session — you can still benefit from the discussion.

Facilitation

Your interactions each session will be facilitated by a group leader. He will be responsible for explaining the material in further detail, answering any questions you may have, and engaging everyone in group discussion. He will also keep track of time and pace your progress to cover the main ideas while allowing for spontaneous questions and interactions.

The group leader will also read questions aloud and share answers and examples from his own stories and past experiences. He won’t put anyone on the spot but will encourage everyone to participate and ensure that all group members have the opportunity to contribute. In addition to leadership training provided by other staff, your group leader will draw on this study’s Leader’s Guide.

Prayer

Prayer is foundational for everything we do at The Redeemed, particularly our small groups. You will be encouraged to pray throughout this group experience, both on your own as well as within the community of your group sessions. As you become better acquainted with the other men in your group, letting them know you’re praying for them on a daily basis can be a great way to strengthen your relationships. If you want to grow in your faith and be known, accepted, and loved by other brothers on a similar journey of faith, then prayer is essential.

Reflection

Between online group meetings, you can maximize the impact of this course by considering and completing the reflection exercise at the end of each session. Depending on your schedule and inclination, you can include these reflection exercises in your personal prayer or devotional time during the week. If you’re unable to engage with the reflection exercise between group sessions, don’t worry. Their purpose is simply to help you reinforce what you’re learning and experiencing in the group and to help you personalize and apply these ideas.

“LOOK CAREFULLY AT THE CLOSEST ASSOCIATIONS IN YOUR LIFE, FOR THAT IS THE DIRECTION YOU ARE HEADED.”

-Kevin Eikenberry

Session 1 | Know Your Goal

Session 1 | Know Your Goal

Getting Started

Direction determines destination.

You don’t have to be a pilot, sailor, or hiker to know this is true. With life continuing its relentless barrage for most of us, why would you invest your limited time, energy, and attention on yet one more thing? The answer is simple. It comes down to where you’re going and how you get there.

At first glance, an online men’s group may not seem like something that requires much from you or returns much for your investment—that may even be what appeals to you. And yet that’s how this small group experience is distinctly different from ones you may have encountered before. You will be invited to risk more of yourself in order to be known, accepted, and encouraged by other men willing to share their stories as well. You will be rewarded with connection, relationships, and community beyond what you have probably ever experienced.

If that seems like too big a promise up front, if you feel the tension between a hopeful longing and a protective skepticism, then you’re not the only one. Both of those responses within you reflect what so many of us men experience right now. We know we need other men with whom we can be honest, open, and vulnerable. But we hate acknowledging that need and risking vulnerability. Doing so goes against much of the conditioning we’ve received from our culture, families, and others around us.

But this tension also reinforces why you need formative-community in your life — trustworthy brothers with whom you can really open up and share your emotions. Participating in formative community also involves exploring more of your story, how you came to be where you are in your life, and the kind of man you were made to be.

So even if you consider relationships with other men to be in the same category as dental appointments, raw broccoli, and colonoscopies—good in theory but awkwardly uncomfortable in actuality—you’re encouraged to suspend judgment and risk something new.

Relationships are the building blocks of your life. Ideally, they provide a foundation that grounds you with strength, encouragement, perspective, wisdom, security and connection. However, many of us didn’t get that kind of sustainable foundation in the relationships we had growing up. And even if we’ve experienced it sporadically at times as adults, we still long to learn and grow together with other men. This small group is an opportunity to experience that, and we’d encourage you to embrace that opportunity.

Direction indeed determines destination. So if you’re at least a little bit curious about what formative community looks like and how it could impact your life, let’s think through our mission and values and the ingredients necessary to forge real connections. Let’s risk being known and getting to know a small group of other men in a community of genuine Christian brotherhood.

Checking In

For this first session, go around the group and introduce yourselves as you answer one of the following questions:

• How did you first learn about The Redeemed? What drew you to participate in this small group at this time?

• Who is your favorite pair of friends from fiction, movies, and TV shows—Frodo and Samwise? Holmes and Watson? Deadpool and Wolverine? Another duo? What is it about their relationship that makes them one of your favorites?

Exploring the Big Idea

Relationships, connection, and community are not mere buzzwords for The Redeemed — they are foundational to our core values and the mission God has called us to fulfill. Our mission is simple: We want to develop supportive community where men can open up about challenges, worries, and failures—and celebrate their triumphs over those struggles.

This nine-week study is designed to help you risk vulnerability about the challenging and broken areas of your life while connecting with other men willing to share theirs. Through personal reflection, group exercises, and meaningful conversations, you will experience being part of a transformative community. You will be able to remove the masks you use in other areas of life and be known for who you are and where you are in your life. Even as other men pour into your life, you will be pouring into theirs, helping one another become more like Jesus.

Through this study, you will be invited to explore our values and see how they align with your own. We will examine each of these and their biblical basis in future sessions, but for now we will consider the big picture. Our five core values are:

1. Awaken Your True Self: We break down walls and foster genuine connections. We encourage honesty from ourselves and respect the truth in others.

2. Forge Brotherhood: Relationships are our lifeblood. We build a community of men that becomes an unshakeable force for good.

3. Ignite Your Fire: We inspire men to embrace God’s transformative power, sparking a journey toward lasting and meaningful change.

4. Promote Safety: We create an environment where everyone feels secure and supported, which allows you to thrive.

5. Live by the Word: The Bible is our foundation, our guiding light. Every choice, every action, is rooted in its unwavering principles.

• What thoughts and feelings rise up inside as you consider the mission of The Redeemed? What stirs up a sense of hope or longing about being part of such a community of men? What leads to fear, anxiety, or insecurity?

• Which of the five core values stands out or resonates with you most right now? Why is it especially important for you at this time?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

⁸ There was a man all alone;

he had neither son nor brother.

There was no end to his toil,

yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.

“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,

“and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”

This too is meaningless—

a miserable business!

⁹ Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their labor:

¹⁰ If either of them falls down,

one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

and has no one to help them up.

¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

¹² Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:8-12

• What word, phrase, or image jumps out for you from this passage? What’s significant or meaningful about it?

• When have you felt similar to the man working hard but not enjoying life? How did you handle feeling miserable and lonely then?

• According to the author of Ecclesiastes, why are “two better than one”? What are the benefits of relationships with other men you want to experience in your own life?

Discussing the Truth

You probably know you need more authentic friendships in your life—with the key word being “authentic.” Perhaps you already enjoy longstanding friendships with a large number of other men—classmates from school, fraternity brothers, teammates, colleagues, guys from church, and next-door neighbors.

But even in these relationships, many men still feel alone. They feel reluctant to share openly because no one else has modeled the strength of vulnerability—the kind of vulnerability thats shatters stereotypes and frees us from false assumptions about what it means to be men. Consequently, we keep our mask in place most of the time, working hard to make sure others, even men we trust, see us as strong and capable.

Such posturing only increases our loneliness. And we’re experiencing an epidemic of loneliness right now. This isn’t just a figure of speech. According to medical and mental health experts, loneliness causes and worsens many other problems. In 2023, the former U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy described our country as experiencing an “epidemic of loneliness and isolation.”¹

Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, roughly half—about 150 million people—reported experiencing loneliness on a regular and consistent basis. Their discomfort is not limited to emotional distress either. The harmful impact of loneliness and isolation, in fact, “may be associated with higher risks of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, addiction, suicidality and self-harm, and dementia.”²

Men are usually more at risk for suffering the negative effects of loneliness than women, in part because of cultural conditioning that men absorb about being independent, self-sufficient, and self-reliant. When we do connect with other men, it is often in the context of sports, work, or military service. However, many men don’t have those opportunities, and even those who do can experience loneliness for various reasons.

Our need for connection and authentic community is not just based on science. God’s Word is clear that our Creator made us to be relational beings who depend on one another. After creating the first man, Adam, God recognized a problem pretty quickly. Everything God had created was good, but seeing his solitary image bearer, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). So God created the first woman, a female image bearer, suitable to be Adam’s “helper” (Genesis 2:18).

The Bible continues to affirm the human need for relationships, including deep friendships. Just consider such well-known biblical pairs as Moses and Aaron, David and Jonathon, Ruth and Naomi, and Paul and Silas, as well as the community modeled by Jesus and his twelve disciplies. Being isolated and suffering loneliness has never been God’s intention for us. He made us to need one another.

We’re wired for relationships because we’re better together. Our Creator designed us to grow through connections with other people. Through collaboration and cooperation, we experience greater growth than we can experience on our own. God created us to need close relationships—and not just with our wives or immediate families. People need to belong to a tribe, a community linked by shared values, experiences, or goals.

God’s Word often described the church as this kind of community, a spiritual family, joined together in experiencing all of life’s ups and downs. “You should be like one big happy family, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds” (1 Peter 3:8 TLB). Similarly, the psalmist writes, “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6). We see other relational references comparing the church to a body (Romans 12:4–5), a fellowship (Acts 2:42), and a flock (John 21:16-17). God clearly intends for us to be part of a social and spiritual tribe.

• What evidence do you see in your own life reflecting your need for relationships and community?

• What obstacles and challenges have made it difficult for you to establish and sustain authentic friendships with other men? With other Christian brothers in particular?

• Which friendships between men described in Scripture do you especially admire? Why?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• What stands out to you from this first session on transformative community? Why?

• What’s one personal goal you have for your participation in this small group over the next nine weeks? How would you like the other men to support and encourage you in this?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share any prayer requests you would like others to pray about, and then pray for those requests together (whether silently, out loud, or both). Thank God for bringing you all together to explore formative community and its vital importance in your life right now. Ask the Spirit to give you each wisdom, compassion, and courage as you share parts of your story with one another and get better acquainted. Trust that the Lord will protect each of you and guide you in his truth.

Reflection Exercise

The short questions and exercises in this section are simply here to help you benefit more from reflecting and applying these ideas to your own life. We encourage you to keep a journal throughout the group study so that your responses and reflections are together in one place. Even if your time is limited or you miss a week, writing down your thoughts can help you process your experiences and provide a record of your personal growth and relational connections. There will be time for you to share some of your reflections and results at the beginning of the next session if you want.

Some time before your next group session, take at least 10-15 minutes to reflect on what lingers from the first session. Before reflecting on the following questions, spend a couple minutes in prayer, inviting God to show you what he wants you to remember and any actions he wants you to take. Look back over all that was covered in the previous group session along with any notes or comments you made. Then write down your responses to the following questions and prompts in your journal or notebook.

• What excites you about beginning this journey with the other men in your group? What makes you anxious or uncertain about being part of this study together?

• Which of the men in your group did you connect and identify with? What do you have in common with them?

• Which of the men in your group appear most different from you? What intrigues you about these differences?

Finally, choose one of the men from your group to reach out to before your next group session. Plan to spend 10-15 minutes on a video call together getting better acquainted and discussing one of your take-aways from the first session. If you don’t know where to start with setting up a call, reach out to one of the guys whose name begins with the letter closest to your first name in the alphabet. Over the next few weeks, try to connect with each of the guys in the group.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

______________________________

¹ https://www.cnn.com/2023/05/02/health/murthy-loneliness-isolation/index.html

² Ibid.

“BEING ABLE TO FEEL SAFE WITH OTHER PEOPLE IS PROBABLY THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF MENTAL HEALTH; SAFE CONNECTIONS ARE FUNDAMENTAL TO MEANINGFUL AND SATISFYING LIVES.”

- Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD, The Body Keeps the Score

Session 2 | Promote Safety

Session 2 | Promote Safety

Getting Started

It’s no secret that men struggle to cultivate meaningful friendships with other men. Despite digital connectivity and social media, challenges remain for healthy brotherhood. Based on recent studies, sociologists have concluded men are stuck in a “friendship recession.” This problem existed even before the Covid-19 pandemic, and it continues to grow as more of us resign ourselves to remaining lone wolves. In a recent survey of more than 2,000 adults in the U.S., less than half of the men reported being satisfied with the number of friends they had, while 15% said they had no close friends at all.³

Even when we want relationships with other men and are willing to prioritize them, we still hit circumstantial barriers and cultural walls. Much of the problem, even among men who share our Christian faith, stems from gender stereotypes and the messages we learned about how to handle our emotions and our need for others. Basically, many of us were conditioned to suppress our feelings and ignore our need for friendships. We’re encouraged to be strong, stoic, and solitary—but real strength comes from having support rather than attempting to carry your burdens on your own.

If we want to grow in our faith and become more like Jesus, then community is essential. And it requires stepping out of our comfort zone, becoming more vulnerable, and accepting our need for significant friendships with other men.

Of course, it’s scary to lay down our armor, take off our masks, and risk revealing who we really are. But in order to connect with others, you must be willing to share your story, tell your secrets, and acknowledge the truth with other trustworthy men committed to integrity. This process doesn’t all happen at once. Authentic relationships take time and require both giving and getting support from others who get to know us, accept us, and love us—secrets, addictions, struggles, fears, insecurities, and all.

Foundational to this process is safety—being secure enough to risk sharing your true self and your story. We do all we can to provide a safe environment due to our own experiences and desire for others to honor our stories. What is shared in your group stays in the group—unless it requires notifying authorities because you’re intent on self-harm or harming others. This decision lies with your group leaders, and any concerns you have about another member’s welfare should be shared with your leaders.

As we work together to promote safety in this group, we can become a place where each of us can be known for who we really are, and we can share our struggles without fear of judgment or shame. We’ve all experienced enough of those from others, and that usually just reinforces our own self-contempt and shame.

Safety offers a two-way door into deeper relationships. When you feel safe enough to reveal your true self, you’re also opening the door for others to do the same. And as you get to know each other more and more, you forge a stronger trust, reinforcing a foundation of safety where deeper and more loving connections form.

Checking In

Go around the group, reminding others of your name and where you’re from, as you check in by responding to one of the following questions:

• Is there anything you’d like to share from your personal reflection time since your last group meeting?

• How would you define and describe the kind of safety needed for you to trust other group members with your story and your true self?

• When have you recently felt unsafe in a situation with others? What red flags can cause you to feel unsafe in group settings?

Exploring the Big Idea

Promoting safety can conflict with the standards of “manly” toughness many of us absorbed growing up. But psychologists and neurologists tells us that safety and security are fundamental human needs hardwired into us from cradle to grave. As infants, safety means knowing no harm will be done to us because our parents and caregivers will protect us. We trust that our physical needs—food, water, shelter, warmth, comfort, hygiene—will be met in a safe environment. Of course, this was not the case for many of us.

Developing into childhood and adolescence, we also discovered that not all people and places are safe. Some exposed us to physical danger, others to emotional and psychological trauma, and some to spiritual and moral misinformation, whether implied or stated outright. We realized that those who are supposed to protect us and ensure our safety—family members, teachers, coaches, and neighbors—do not always do their job. Experiences with our friends or classmates can make it even harder to know who we can trust. We may have experienced rejection, abandonment, humiliation, bullying, and emotional neglect. All of this adds up and shapes when, where, and how we feel safe around other people.

By the time we reach adulthood, our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits have developed alarm systems to help us survive. Sometimes something triggers a reaction in our bodies such as anger or anxiety, and we’re not sure why. Sensory cues, such as sounds and smells, may cause us to feel certain ways that compel us to withdraw or lash out.

Pay attention to what factors help you feel safe around others, as well as which ones trip your inner alarms. Learning this is important as you risk and grow to trust others, including the other men in your group.

• Generally, do you consider yourself someone who tends to trust others easily or someone who’s more cautious or skeptical of others’ intentions? How long does it usually take before you’re willing to trust someone?

• What’s one scene from your childhood or adolescence that continues to influence whether or not you feel safe with other people?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:12-17

• What does it mean for you to “clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”? What other qualities would you add in order to promote safety within your group?

• When have you been disappointed in the reception and response of other men you trusted to something personal you shared? Where have other Christian brothers let you down in how they responded to a struggle you’ve shared?

• What does it mean for peace to rule in your heart as you listen and respond to other men? How does gratitude for the other men in your group influence how you relate and respond to them?

Discussing the Truth

Think about a time in your life when you felt emotionally connected to a male friend. You might not have described your relationship that way at the time, or you may have considered (or still consider) him your best friend. He may have been someone you knew growing up or met in college, or perhaps a former teammate, fellow serviceman, or coworker comes to mind. The other person may not have been aware of the emotional connection you felt with them, or you may have both recognized the reciprocal bond you enjoyed together.

Now consider what contributed to feeling connected to this friend. Chances are good that you felt safe with him, free to be yourself and appreciated for your honesty and authenticity. This buddy probably made you feel valued and important in his life, and you knew you could be vulnerable without the risk of being judged or criticized.

You could be honest about your struggles and failures, and you knew that anything you shared would be kept between the two of you and not used against you in any way. You felt free to reveal what you were thinking and feeling without editing yourself or worrying about how it came out. When you were together, you felt seen, heard, and understood. You knew this guy enjoyed your company, respected you, thought highly of you, and just flat out liked who you were.

If you’ve experienced such a friendship before or have friends like this now, then give thanks to God. If you’re certain you’ve never had this kind of friend, then consider why not. There might be a lot of variables preventing you from experiencing this kind of healthy intimacy with male friends, but try to identify them. Circumstances often play a big part, as well as the context for how you meet and relate to people. Perhaps you’re aware of times when you wanted to build a friendship but feared initiating for fear you would be rejected or misunderstood.

Whether you’ve had many deep friendships or none, you have an opportunity in this group to intentionally connect with likeminded men. But as you build close friendships, it’s essential to get on the same page about what you need in order to connect. Your past experiences shape how you feel safe and connect with people today, and reflecting on those experiences can help you understand your needs and reactions.

Discussing and establishing safety in your group will pay dividends as you risk sharing more and grow stronger in your connection to one another. So in order to promote safety together, let’s consider some significant elements that contribute to everyone feeling comfortable enough to risk being known.

First, it’s important to respect others’ boundaries as you each choose what to share with your group. Basically, you want to think through your personal limits and what you’re comfortable sharing. Being direct about something you’re not ready to talk about is welcomed. Similarly, you’re encouraged to pause for a few seconds if someone asks you a personal question rather than feeling pressure to respond immediately.

Saying “I’m not sure I want to answer that right now” is more than valid and should be respected by everyone in the group. No one should ever feel pressured into disclosing anything they’re not ready to share. Generally, boundaries become looser as you get better acquainted and build trust within your group. But respecting the limits others set is always important and frees you to do the same.

Being an active listener is also essential. This requires you to focus on what another group member is communicating. Active listening gives your full attention to them without immediately relating to your own experience, fixing any problems, offering advice, or being distracted. Particularly as group members share honestly and vulnerably, it’s important for them to sense that you’re paying attention. They should feel that you’re with them and receiving the gift they’re offering. Active listening includes being aware of your face and body language and showing your engagement with things like nodding, smiling, and maintaining eye contact.

Risking vulnerability and practicing transparency are vital keys to promoting safety as well. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, your own openness shows that you’re not hiding anything or trying to manipulate others with what you share. While you’re going to identify and communicate some personal boundaries, you’re also encouraged to be honest in whatever you do choose to share. That way, you invite others to know the real you. Remember, confidentiality is key–what’s shared in the group stays in the group.

As people open up, our responses matter. When you give others the benefit of the doubt and suspend judgment of what they’re sharing, you accept them with grace and compassion. If you immediately feel a strong reaction to what someone shares, trying to hit pause and keep it to yourself for the time being. Instead, be curious about the man revealing his heart to you. Try to empathize and understand his motivation and intentions based on what and how he’s sharing. Avoid confrontation and correction and trust that your group leaders will handle anything that might come up.

Finally, follow through by remembering what others share and praying for them in between group meetings. Let them know that you’re paying attention and hearing what’s important to them and that you care. Remembering details of your fellow group members’ stories shows commitment and loyalty. Praying for them and touching base outside of group (more on this in a moment) also helps build and sustain your connections. Promoting safety takes a concerted effort by all group members, and it rewards everyone with shared space for taking off our masks and telling the truth.

• Which of the elements listed for promoting safety (in bold above) stand out to you? Why are they especially important in order for you to feel safe in the group?

• Which of the elements for promoting safety might be difficult for you at first and require intentional practice? Which elements probably come easier for you?

• What fears, concerns, or questions do you have about promoting safety within your group? What do you need to address now to help you take appropriate risks moving forward?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• What stands out to you about promoting safety in this group? Why?

• What’s one fear or area of concern you would like the other men to keep in mind as you begin taking risks and sharing your story? What do you need from them to feel safe?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share any prayer requests you would like others to pray about, and then pray for those requests together, either silently or out loud or both. Thank God for bringing this particular group of men together to share vulnerably and honestly with one another. Ask the Holy Spirit to continue giving each of you wisdom, compassion, and courage as you discern what to share and receive what others reveal. Pray for protection from the enemy and for God to strengthen the new connections being made in this group.

Reflection Exercise

Once again, use the questions and exercises provided below to help you process and practice on a personal level what you learned in your last group session. Use your journal to keep track of your responses and important points, highlighting what stands out and resonates for you. You will have an opportunity to share some of your reflections during the next session.

Before diving in, spend a few minutes in prayer, asking God to guide you as you consider and reflect on all you’re learning and experiencing.

• What made you feel awkward or uncomfortable in your last group session as you explored the importance of promoting safety? What might be the source or cause of these feelings?

• What personal boundaries do you want to set for yourself about what you share with the group? Are there parts of your story you may decide not to share, and if so, which ones?

• If you were designing and leading a men’s group focused on authentic community, what would be your recipe for promoting safety? Which elements do you think are the most important for other men to feel safe?

Finally, choose another group member to contact and schedule a brief (10-15 minute) video call between now and your next group meeting. During your conversation, share one personal prayer request that’s especially weighing on you right now. Finishing your time together by praying for one another

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

______________________________

³ https://www.nytimes.eom/2022/11/28/well/family/male-friendship-loneliness.html

“WE MUST LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER AS BROTHERS OR PERISH TOGETHER AS FOOLS.”

- Martin Luther King Jr.

Session 3 | Forge Brotherhood

Session 3 | Forge Brotherhood

Getting Started

We not only crave meaningful individual friendships with other men—we want to belong to a group. Whether it’s a team, a tribe, a squad, a committee, a club, a frat, a pack, or a company, we want to fit in a group where we feel welcome. Finding others with whom we connect, however, can be harder than it sounds. There are all those unspoken rules, the “bro code” we’ve absorbed and believe we must uphold or risk being exposed as weak, needy, and less manly.

Many of us learned it’s okay to want to belong—as long as we don’t want it too much and relinquish too much of our independence and self-sufficiency. You might have experienced this during adolescence, a transition time when we’re physically becoming men while figuring out the kind of man we want to be. We desperately craved connection then and may have gone to extremes to get it, often experimenting with different presentations of our self or giving into peer pressure in order to be accepted.

Maturing into adulthood, we faced more choices about who we wanted to be and where we fit in. Those decisions often determined the groups to which we belonged. While we were in college or starting our careers, we may have gravitated toward other guys with common values and interests. Maybe we found groups of people who worked the same industry, who lived in the same neighborhood, who went to the same church, or who enjoyed the same hobbies or sports teams.

If we married, then we may have shifted into groups with other newlyweds and couples our age. If we added kids to the mix, then we usually pivoted into groups with other parents raising children. We may have connected with other husbands and dads juggling some of the same responsibilities and commitments of work, marriage, and fatherhood.

Many other shared bonds may have influenced who you ended up hanging with—maybe you have your fantasy football league, your musician friends, your gaming group, your running club, or your fellow military veterans. But out of all the groups to which you’ve belonged in your life, how many of them provided deep roots and transformative community? How many of them felt like safe places for you to be yourself and share honestly about your life and your ongoing struggles?

Probably not many, unfortunately. Many men can bond over shared interests but struggle to go deeper. We’ve learned it’s much safer and usually more socially acceptable to stay on the surface. We prepare our default conversational scripts about the unpredictability of the weather, the chaos of current events, the activities of our kids, and the ups and downs of our favorite sports teams. When other men asked us how we’re doing, we say fine and mention how busy we are.

But most of us aren’t fine. We’re hiding the real experience of our lives beneath a benign, bland veneer. If we want to forge real brotherhood, then we have to drop our masks and give up the polite surface scripts. We have to risk vulnerability, practice confession, commit to accountability, and give and receive encouragement. Because Christian brotherhood is forged when iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17).

Checking In

Go around the group, once more reminding others of your name and where you’re from, and check in by answering one of the following questions:

• What would you like to share from your between-sessions study last week? What continues to linger from your last session?

• What are some of the groups you currently belong to or have been part of in the past? Which ones did you enjoy the most? Why?

Exploring the Big Idea

Last session, we said that one of the core values for The Redeemed is to forge brotherhood among men. Authentic relationships are our lifeblood. We’re committed to building a community of men that becomes an unshakeable force for good. To build genuine connections among the men in your group, this is something you have to truly value as well, because forging brotherhood is easier said than done.

You’ve probably heard motivational speeches at work and pep talks in locker rooms about the importance of committing and contributing to your team. The reality, however, is that forging relationships requires coming together under fire. When a blacksmith forges iron into a tool or implement, intense heat is required to shape the metal. The same is true for authentic community.

Although this group won’t include scoring points on the field, meeting sales quotas, or combating terrorism, you will still experience the refining fire required to forge relationships that endure. This heat will come from the courage displayed as each man in your group shares his story, acknowledges his struggles, and expresses the reality of his experience. The forging and shaping takes place as you each release burdens, confess secrets and failures, and receive the acceptance, understanding, and love of other brothers.

While there is no failproof formula for forging brotherhood in your small group, we’ve identified four components that go a long way in facilitating closer connections:

Participation: We actively support and learn from each other (Ecclesiastes 4:10).

Confession: We share our struggles and strengthen our bond (James 5:16).

Accountability: We hold each other accountable for positive growth (Proverbs 27:17).

Encouragement: We lift each other up and celebrate successes (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

• In addition to these four elements, what other factors do you believe help a group forge true brotherhood? How have you experienced these other factors in past groups?

• When you think of “forging brotherhood,” what images, thoughts, and feelings come to mind? What are some stories, novels, movies, and TV shows that depict true brotherhood?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

³⁷”Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

³⁹ He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? ⁴⁰ The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.

⁴¹ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴² How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Luke 6:37-42

• What does it mean, “For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you”? When have you experienced this kind of dynamic in your life, both in how others treated you and how you treated them?

• What attitude or posture is required in order to focus on the plank in your own eye rather than the speck in your brother’s? What motivates you to focus on the flaws of others rather than your own?

• When have you experienced hypocrisy in a friendship with another man? When have you been guilty of being hypocritical when relating to a brother?

Discussing the Truth

God clearly intends for us to be part of a community committed to helping each another lead lives of integrity. But how does this happen? We’re often told that men connect best through shared goals and activities. Stereotypically, men don’t tend to share their emotions openly and honestly. Our upbringing, role models, and cultural conditioning may have instilled a tendency to compare, compete, and show off when relating to other men. We often end up feeling like we’re either one-up or one-down in a group of other guys, either shining our superiority over them or hiding our inferiority and insecurities.

Neither of these extremes—being compelled to dominate with our strengths or to defensively hide our weaknesses—leaves much room to be honest and authentic. We can follow the cultural swings, denouncing “toxic masculinity” in favor of emotional self-awareness, but it’s still hard to know what that would look like. It’s challenging to forge secure relationships with other men when you have no road map, role models, or real life experience.

There are no hard and fast rules for how to relate and bond with another man, let alone come together as a community of Christian brothers—but we can practice certain ways of interacting. We can’t stress enough the importance of connecting with other men in a safe and supportive group where you feel free to be yourself and where you feel heard, understood, and accepted. For many of us, The Redeemed provides that place, with opportunities to get to know like-minded men who become our spiritual brothers.

Based on our collective experiences, we’ve identified five relational qualities that have contributed to forging brotherhood: intentional attention, courageous vulnerability, sincere humility, gracious honesty, and generous encouragement. Let’s briefly explore each of these and their basis in God’s Word.

Intentional attention is just another way of describing your full participation in this group. While your group has leaders, they will be the first to tell you that they don’t have all the answers. They are simply willing to come alongside you and your other group members and guide your discussions and interactions.

True brotherhood is forged by everyone’s willingness to go all in, to actively support and learn from each other. As we read in the first session, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). In order to “have a good return” on your labor, you choose to focus your attention on the other men in your group, listening to them with your ears and your heart.

Courageous vulnerability describes your willingness to push through your discomfort and defenses in order to share your story and perspective honestly with one another. Vulnerability might feel like weakness that leaves you open to attack and exploitation, but the kind of vulnerability we practice requires strength and courage. As we share our struggles, we restore our perspective on truth and strengthen our bond to one another: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

Remember, it’s good to have personal boundaries about what you’re willing to share and not share in the group. You don’t have to confess all your secrets and struggles at once. But as you get to know and trust the others in your group, practicing courageous vulnerability means you refuse to hide your heart.

Sincere humility opens your heart to show acceptance, kindness, and compassion to other men rather than distance, criticism, and judgment. You don’t need to have answers, solutions, or Bible verses for the other men in your group. They need you to simply receive what they share with you and honor it with your openness.

Jesus displayed this kind of humility along with gracious honesty. He didn’t ignore the sins and faults of others, but he tempered his honesty with grace. He didn’t use their past mistakes against them or withhold his loving attention. When the woman caught in adultery is brought before him, he shows mercy and kindness while still encouraging her to leave that sin behind (John 8:1-11).

Jesus’s response to her and everyone he encountered also shows generous encouragement. He gave to others to meet their needs and draw them closer to God the Father. Following Christ’s example, we lift up one another, offer what we can, and celebrate our shared successes: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

• When have you bonded with other men through a shared goal or activity? Looking back on this experience, which elements described above can you identify?

• Which of these qualities stands out to you as something you value highly and know you need in order to grow in your relationship with God and with other men? Why does this one stand out to you?

• Which of the heart perspectives described here seem daunting or challenging for you to practice? How can the other men in your group help you grow in this area?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• How would you sum up your past experiences forging brotherhood with other men? How do those experiences influence your expectations for bonding with the men in your group?

• What’s one attitude, mindset, or expectation you need to let go of in order to open up to the other men in your group? How can they help you in this process?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share any prayer requests you would like others to pray about, and then pray for those requests together, silently, out loud, or both. Give thanks for each man in your group, and if possible identify one thing in particular you’re especially thankful for about them. Pray for strength to open your hearts to one another, growing together toward a deeper faith as you follow Jesus.

Reflection Exercise

Some time before your next group session, use the questions and exercises below to help you continue thinking about what it means to forge brotherhood with the other men in your group. Consider what lingers in your mind as you reflect on your last group meeting. Look back over what you covered in the previous session along with any notes, questions, or comments you made. After spending a few minutes in prayer stilling your heart before God, record your responses to the following questions and prompts in your journal or notebook.

• What’s one aspect of your group that has surprised you so far? Why did that surprise you?

• Which men in the group do you feel a natural connection with? Which men in the group do you struggle to know or relate to? How can you treat all the men in your group with the same acceptance and compassion?

• Reflecting on your last group meeting, which moments felt awkward or uncomfortable for you? What specifically (the topic or issue, someone’s words or expression, etc.) contributed to your feeling this way?

Finally, schedule a brief (10-15 minute) video call with someone from your group with whom you have not already connected previously. Share one of your take-aways from the group meeting with each other as well as one surprising fact, detail, hobby, or interest you have. This disclosure should be something to help you get better acquainted and develop a deeper understanding and appreciation for one another.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

“THE PRIVILEGE OF A LIFETIME IS TO BECOME WHO YOU TRULY ARE.”

- Carl Jung

Session 4 | Awaken Your True Self

Session 4 | Awaken Your True Self

Getting Started

The kind of relationship we deeply crave—one where you are known and accepted—is also what many of us fear most. Why? Because many of us cling to a false belief we formed decades ago: We assume that if someone really knew us, then there’s no way they could accept, understand, and love us. How could they, right? We know what we’ve done, the secrets we keep, the addictions we battle, the mistakes we’ve made, and the burdens we carry.

One of the greatest barriers to sharing your true self is shame. You might recall that shame is distinct from guilt. Shame clouds your true worth and identity with negative feelings and a false belief that you’re bad, unlovable, and irredeemable. Guilt, on the other hand, is linked to specific actions and behaviors that you regret. Shame attacks who you are and how you see yourself, while guilt results from what doing things that run contrary to your values, your faith, and God’s Word.

Shame creates a sense of inadequacy that usually distances you from others. However, telling the truth and experiencing the acceptance and understanding of others breaks the power of shame and closes that distance from others. With help and encouragement from others, you’re able to identify the false beliefs you’re holding and return to what God says is true about who you are and how he loves you. Acknowledging and overcoming shame is often an essential part of awakening your true self and vulnerably sharing your story with others.

This process of recognizing the false beliefs we hold and replacing them with God’s truth is the essence of transformation, the way we help each other grow and become more authentic and whole. Often we cannot see the truth clearly because of the ways we’ve been wounded and mishandled our pain.

God has given us the freedom to choose, which means we are responsible for our choices and accountable for our actions. But it is still worthwhile to consider the impact of what we’ve been through. Understanding our stories and processing the pain we’ve experienced helps us make better choices moving forward. We can show curiosity rather than contempt toward ourselves and receive the grace, mercy, and forgiveness God extends to us through the gift of salvation.

We need other people to help us in this process of awakening our true self. As we share honestly, they can tell us what they hear and see in our stories that we may be missing. They can point out blind spots and discrepancies between the beliefs we hold and the truth. They can accept and love us just as God does, whatever our past failures or current struggles may be.

No matter where you are in life and what you’re experiencing, there is hope. It’s never too late to change, to change direction and seek God, to realize and accept that you are wonderfully and fearfully made. This group offers you the opportunity to experience forgiveness and to enjoy fellowship that you can’t know on your own. The other men around you can help you see how you got where you are right now and change course as you realize that you can be known, accepted, and loved.

Checking In

Go around the group and check in by answering one or both of the following questions:

• What would you like to share from your between-sessions study last week? What continues to linger from your last session?

• On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “barely aware” and 10 being “fully aware,” how would you rate the extent to which you know your true self? Briefly explain the score you chose.

Exploring the Big Idea

The story you tell yourself about who you are and how you see your life is not necessarily accurate. Depending on your circumstances, past experiences, temperament, and the quality of your relationships, your perspective may be skewed by old filters and obscured by stress, anxiety, anger, and fear.

If you’re currently feeling overwhelmed by life and struggling to cope, you might not like the idea of awakening to your true self. Maybe you want to stay on autopilot. Unfortunately, ignoring past events in your life and denying your struggles will only leave you stuck in place. You will continue to be tempted by old coping strategies to relieve your pain, stress, anxiety, and discomfort. You may already be aware of what you use for comfort, relief, escape, and distraction or believe you have your life under control. But whatever brings you relief—food, money, tech gadgets, alcohol, drugs, achievements, sex, work, status symbols, ministry, social media, whatever—risks becoming an addictive idol.

If you want to awaken your true self and risk sharing who you really are with others, it will require peeling away the layers and defenses, the masks and pretensions. You will need to acknowledge where you are and the status of your heart rather than deny, pretend, ignore, or deceive yourself and those around you. We believe that in order to become more of the man God intends you to be, it requires exposure and affirmation.

Exposure relies on embracing vulnerability and walking in the light of God’s love and the truth of his Word. John explains the process like this: “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin” (1 John 1:7). Notice that walking in the light together results in fellowship with one another.

Similarly, the kind of affirmation that leads to authenticity is more than just a pat on the back for doing a good job. This kind of affirmation comes from realizing you are God’s masterpiece instilled by him with unique gifts to share with others. Paul describes how our God-given identity and divine purpose work together in tandem: “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).

As you discover more of your true self and share yourself with others, as you experience an increased awareness of your true worth and your unique purpose in the world, you begin living a new story, one co-written with the author and finisher of your faith, Jesus Christ (Hebrews 12:2).

• What’s holding you back from sharing more of your authentic self with the other men in your group? Do you struggle more with knowing your true self or with risking vulnerability?

• What are some of the unique ways God has gifted you to live out your divine purpose? How can you use your unique gifts to bless the other men in the group?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

¹ You have searched me, LORD,

and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue

you, LORD, know it completely.

⁵ You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully

made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16

• How do you feel when you consider the intimate ways God created you and knows all about you? Why do you suppose you feel this way?

• How does knowing you are wonderfully and fearfully made challenge the fears, insecurities, and doubts you harbor about yourself? How can your group members help you see what God says is true about you with more clarity?

• According to this passage, what’s the basis for your true identity as a beloved son of God? How would you describe the way God values you?

Discussing the Truth

For many of us, one of our most stubborn core beliefs to uproot involves accepting the goodness of our redeemed heart. Too often we have been condemned, shamed, and conditioned—by others as well as ourselves—into believing our worst behaviors and greatest failures define us. Particularly when battling an addiction or compulsive behavior, we often default into hating ourselves and assuming we can never change.

But if you have accepted God’s gift of salvation through the sacrifice of his Son, if you’ve committed to following the example Jesus set for how to relate and serve others, then your sinful nature no longer defines your true identity. When you accept God’s grace and invite Jesus into your life, the Holy Spirit dwells in you and empowers you to be more of the man God created you to be.

Thanks to what Jesus did for you, you now have a redeemed heart, a good heart. Your selfish, sinful desires no longer motivate your mindset and determine the direction of your life. Yes, your sinful nature still operates within you, but it no longer forms the core of your identity. Once you belong to God, once you have surrendered yourself to him, you become passionate about knowing him, loving him, and walking in his ways. Once you experience this kind of spiritual relationship with God, you are no longer who you used to be: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

If you’re wondering what this process looks like when someone awakens to their true self, then let’s consider an example. Just recently, we had a guy join one of The Redeemed’s online groups. He had struggled with pornography for most of his adult life and felt terribly ashamed and alone. He had participated in an in-person men’s group before but found it challenging to go deeper with the other guys.

As he got to know the men in his online group, he risked sharing his struggle and was amazed to find so much more hope. He realized he isn’t alone in this battle, that he’s not the worst person to ever live or the only person to struggle with sexual sin. Through the encouragement, support, prayers, and accountability of the other men in his group, this man started using his own story to model vulnerability and help others open up. Looking back, he’s blown away by the depth of relationship that he’s developed in a relatively short time by gathering with other brothers online.

Like many men, this guy had resigned himself to the truth that his heart was “desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV) and made it a stopping point rather than a stepping stone to the greater reality of his new identity in Christ. What’s true for him is true for you as well. You’re not the man you used to be, and it’s time to wake up and fulfill the potential of who God made you to be:

Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

Ephesians 4:21-24, NLT

• Up until this point in your life, have you tended to focus more on your sin, shame, and failures or on your redemption, worth, and purpose? How can you remain awake to your true self moving forward?

• How has this group already helped you discover more of who God made you to be? What does it look like for you to live out your new identity in Christ?

• What difference does it make for you to know you’re no longer alone in your struggles?

• Consider if there’s anything you’ve been holding back that you’re now ready to share with the group.

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• What do you need from the other group members in order to remain awake to your true self? How can they help you walk in the light?

• What’s one negative perception or false belief about yourself you are now willing to renounce with the truth? And what is the truth countering this false belief?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share any prayer requests you would like others to pray about, and then pray for those requests together, either silently or out loud or both. Praise God for who he is and how much he loves each of you and give him thanks for the ways you are each uniquely made. Invite him to empower you with the strength, courage, and wisdom you need to overcome old ways of thinking and default behavior, so you can live as an overcomer, a new creation, God’s beloved son.

Reflection Exercise

Some time before your next group session, take at least 10-15 minutes to reflect on what lingers from the previous group session. Before using the following questions to help you reflect and process, spend a few minutes in prayer, asking God to remind you of what’s true about who you are and how you’re becoming more authentically your true self. Review all that was covered in the previous session along with any notes, questions, or comments you made. Then write down your responses to the following questions and prompts in your journal or notebook.

• What three words best describe how you’ve been feeling about yourself since your last group meeting? What’s caused you to feel this way?

• If you were struggling and decided to reach out for connection and support, which man in your group would you probably ask? Why would you choose him?

• What’s one barrier you anticipate as you live out of your true identity and God-given purpose? How can you prepare to overcome it or move through it?

You know the drill by now. Choose a man from your group to connect with and schedule a brief video call before your next group meeting. Share at least one of your responses to the above questions during your discussion. Conclude by praying for one another.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

“TO WHAT GREAT INSPIRATION AND COUNSEL CAN WE TURN THAN TO THE IMPERISHABLE TRUTH TO BE FOUND IN THIS TREASURE HOUSE, THE BIBLE.”

- Queen Elizabeth II

Session 5 | Live by the Unbreakable Code

Session 5 | Live by the Unbreakable Code

Getting Started

Think for a moment about the core beliefs of your faith. Among them, you probably consider the Bible to be foundational, revealing who God is and what he considers important. Within its pages, the Bible reveals its supernatural power to inform, instruct, inspire, and illuminate: “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” (Psalm 119:105). The truth of Scripture is dynamic, timeless, and revelatory: “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

However, sometimes we can end up viewing Scripture primarily as a guidebook of rules and commandments. When we see Scripture this way, that can tilt us towards focusing on performance rather than relationship in our faith. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). God’s love, not his wrath, motivates all the ways he relates to us. The Bible reveals that we should consider him as a kindhearted father rather than a legalistic judge (Romans 8:15).

You might be surprised then to learn that God never shames us. We often assume that shame is God’s way of keeping us obeying his rules and staying on the straight and narrow. But such a belief is contrary to what we find in the Bible. From the beginning of his relationship with his first human creations, Adam and Eve, we see that God didn’t shame them for disobeying him. Yes, there were consequences from their rebellious actions, but no humiliation or renunciation that they had been created in God’s own image.

Remember, shame is distinctly different from guilt. Shame condemns who we are; guilt regrets what we’ve done. And God has even taken away the categorical cause of our guilt by sending his Son, Jesus, to pay the price for our sins. When we accept the free gift of salvation by grace, we are forgiven and become new creatures in Christ. We have the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide, direct, and comfort us. God never intended for shame to have power over you. You were never meant to bear the kind of shame that leaves you feeling unlovable, worthless, or never good enough.

The gospel message of Jesus obliterates our shame. God continually meets us right where we are and loves us even when we’re unable to love ourselves. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Living by the unbreakable code of the Bible means living in the fullness of God’s grace, Christ’s love, and the Spirit’s power.

Checking In

Go around the group and check in by answering one or both of the following questions:

• What would you like to share from your between-sessions study last week? What has resonated with you since the last session?

• What kind of Bible do you use more often—electronic (such as YouVersion) or hard copy (the kind with a cover and paper pages)? Which translation tends to be a favorite?

Exploring the Big Idea

Even when experiencing God’s grace, we often remain mired in our shame, entangled in our false beliefs and lies from the enemy. We let our failures disqualify us from living in the fullness of God’s love through the Holy Spirit. That means we can fall back into trying to earn love, God’s as well as others’, performing to please him or hiding our struggles so we appear good enough to those around us.

Performing for God and trying to please others never works for long. Because these efforts rely on our own abilities, and no matter how strong we are or how much willpower we muster, it’s never enough. Self-sufficiency comes out of our own pride. Relying on God comes out of our humility. We’re all flawed men in need of God’s love and mercy, which he so graciously extends to us.

Performance also becomes a trap because it’s so exhausting and never ending—there’s no room for rest. The weariness and battle fatigue takes a toll on our bodies, minds, and spirits until we’re empty and exhausted. When we’re so depleted, we’re also usually more susceptible to temptation. We want comfort and relief, rest and renewal. We settle for counterfeits—addictions, idols, and temporary escapes. Suddenly we find ourselves caught in a cycle that spirals into discouragement, depression, and desperation.

Performing and posturing forces us to hide behind our false self rather than risk being known and loved for our true selves. We develop our best-appearing self for public while our real-struggling self gets crushed with more burdens, secrets, and shame. This sends us back into false beliefs that no one could love us if they knew what we’re really like and all we’ve done. We end up working harder to hide our brokenness.

You can only be known and loved for your true self, however, when you step into the light and live in the truth. This kind of courageous move can only happen when you recognize the inaccurate story you’ve accepted and continue to tell yourself. In order to help one another live out of grace and not shame, we employ a three-pronged strategy:

• We identify the lies in our life and challenge unhelpful thoughts and false beliefs with the truth of Scripture (2 Corinthians 10:5, 1 Corinthians 13:6).

• We live out our true identity as forgiven men and beloved sons committed to discovering our God-given purpose (Ephesians 2:10, Psalm 139).

• We renew our minds and transform our perspectives with the truth of God’s Word (Romans 12:2).

• What thoughts and feelings rise up in you as you consider this three-pronged approach? Skepticism? Hope? Doubt? Curiosity? Something else?

• Is this approach something you’ve experienced or tried before? What did you learn about yourself—and about God—from your past efforts?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

• What word, phrase, or image catches your attention in this passage? Why? What about it resonates with where you see yourself right now?

• What does it look like to “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ”? How is this different than white-knuckling it through your struggles by sheer willpower?

• What are some of the arguments and pretensions in your thinking that contradict God’s love, grace, and truth? What has kept these self-defeating thoughts and inaccurate assumptions in place?

Discussing the Truth

In most of the battles and wars throughout history, certain rules of engagement were used. These military and political guidelines set limits around combat and summarized what was considered fair, honorable, and respectful between opponents. They dictated when and where people could fight and what was a crime or violation of those rules. Sometimes these rules were specified by laws and legal documents; other times, they were unwritten but part of a tribal, religious, or cultural honor code.

Many historical rules of engagement indicated the kind of weapons considered acceptable in conflicts. For instance, in the 18th and 19th centuries, certain offenses might ignite a duel. In order for it to be a fair fight, participants would agree to use only certain kinds of knives, swords, or, as weapons progressed, firearms. To win by using unsanctioned weapons was considered cheating.

There were exceptions, however, including the kind of war Paul addresses in his second letter to the believers in Corinth (2 Corinthians 10:3-5). He made it clear that while we live in this world, we don’t fight our spiritual battles the way most people in this world fight. The weapons we must use in our spiritual battles are not traditional but supernatural. The devil doesn’t play fair and resorts to any and every means possible to tempt, trample, and terminate our faith. In order to win we must use weapons with divine power to demolish enemy strongholds.

The word frequently translated as “demolish” in this passage comes from the Greek word kathaireo, which literally means to cause destruction by violent means using overwhelming power. No matter how often you work out, how many guns you own, or the size of engine in your vehicle, your worldly power doesn’t come close to what Paul describes here.

What does come close? How about the supernatural power to overcome death? Because as Paul explains in a letter to the church at Ephesus, that’s what God has made available to us: “I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead” (Ephesians 1:19-20).

Consider that for a moment.

You along with every man in your group has access to resurrection power. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is available to each of you. It may be hard to grasp, but this is definitely not any kind of earthly weapon. This is raised-from-the-dead, roll-the-stone-way kind of power. This power brought Jesus back from the dead, so it can more than handle helping you overcome the burdens you’re carrying.

How do you access God’s power in order to demolish the spiritual strongholds in your life and renew your mind? While there are several ways, relying on the powerful truth of God’s Word can definitely help bring down the stubborn strongholds in your thinking. When you learn to spot the faulty thinking, lies of the enemy, and destructive self-talk, you can replace those strongholds with the powerful truth of Scripture, using it as “a weapon of light” (Romans 13:12).

• How have you tended to fight your life’s battles in the past? What weapons or tools did you typically rely on? How did they work out for you?

• When have you experienced God’s supernatural power equipping you to overcome temptation or win a spiritual battle? How was this kind of kathaireo power different than when you’ve relied on your own efforts?

• How does having access to the same power that raised Jesus from the dead cause you to see your struggles differently? How can this power help you renew your mind and anchor your thoughts with God’s truth?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• How do you view the Bible differently now than when you first became a believer? What has caused you to change the way you see it?

• How do you avoid getting caught up in the performance trap? What are some practices that help you live out of God’s grace and remind you of his unconditional love?

Closing in Prayer

As you go around the group, share at least one prayer request that you would like others to pray about, and then pray for those requests together, either silently or aloud or both. Thank God for how much he loves and accepts each of you despite your failures and regardless of what you do or don’t do. Ask him to empower each of you with supernatural resurrection power to break all strongholds that thwart your true self and hinder your relationship with God and others. Pray for protection from the enemy as you begin making changes in the way you see yourself, your story, and your daily choices and habits. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Reflection Exercise

It’s not easy walking in the light and living in the truth of God’s Word, but it is more than worth the effort as you discover more of your Father’s love and become more of who he created you to be. Your group has now reached the halfway point, so it’s a good time to consider what God is revealing to you, both through the content of the previous sessions and through the responses and interactions of other men in your group. Use the following questions and prompts to help you reflect on how you want to move forward and make the most of the remaining time together. Before you begin, spend a few moments in prayer simply stilling yourself from all distractions and the busyness of the day. Ask God to meet you where you are and remind you of his love for you right now.

• How would you describe your experience in the group so far? What has been the most helpful aspect of your group time? What has challenged you the most?

• How are the other men in your group helping you to spot the inaccurate assumptions and false beliefs in your story? Which one of these false beliefs do you continue to struggle with the most right now?

• Which of the men in your group has spoken words of truth and life to you? What difference has this made in how you relate to your group?

Identify which of the men in your group you haven’t yet connected with one-on-one in between sessions and plan a video call before your next group meeting. Check in with one another and then discuss one truth from Scripture that you are using to help renew your mind and win your battles this week.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

“WHEN WE COME TO [JESUS] WITH OUR NEEDS, WHEN WE REALIZE THAT WE CAN BRING OUR EMPTINESS TO HIM, WE’RE FINALLY IN A PLACE WHERE WE CAN SEE HIS POWER AT WORK IN US.”

- Max Lucado

Session 6 | Ignite Your Fire

Session 6 | Ignite Your Fire

Getting Started

It’s never too late to change.

It’s never too late to ignite your fire and live with purpose and passion. Regardless of your age and stage of life, you can live in the freedom of God’s grace and become the man of God you were created to be. This process of growth into spiritual maturity is different for each individual, but nearly all journeys of transformation have two big things in common: relying on God’s power through the Holy Spirit and experiencing authentic community with other believers.

Rather than performing, posturing, and pleasing, you trust God to meet you where you are and to provide for your needs. You commit to telling the truth—all of it and not just some of it—and to living in the light of God’s love. Instead of keeping secrets, hiding in lies, and gaslighting others, you practice telling the truth to yourself and to others in real time. When you’re struggling, you admit it and ask for help from those you know and trust, including the men in this group.

In order to ignite the fire of sustainable spiritual growth, you continue filtering your thoughts and taking the false beliefs and destructive assumptions captive to the truth of Christ. You enlist the help of brothers who know you and accept you and love you, withholding judgment and extending encouragement. You refuse to withhold, withdraw, or isolate as you face life’s challenges and at times feel overwhelmed. You no longer deny or pretend but face hard things with courage, resilience, and power from God’s Spirit.

This shift toward living in the truth means leaving behind old destructive habits, addictions, and compulsive behaviors. It can be daunting to give up whatever has provided an unhealthy escape valve for your stress, anxiety, and discomfort. During moments of temptation and times of struggle, remember that you’re fighting this battle because you want more—more peace and wholeness, more joy and shame-free living, more freedom and health. You want more authentic relationships with people also committed to living and growing by faith.

There’s no silver bullet or magic formula for experiencing change in your life. Some days you won’t be able to see much difference in yourself and your behavior; other days, you will hardly recognize yourself compared to who you used to be. The key to moving forward regardless of how you feel any given day is connection to God and to other people. You have to continue inviting God into the darkness of your most shameful moments and your biggest failures. As you accept his love, you gain hope and find strength to take the next step. And we often experience his love through the acceptance, understanding, and compassion of others

Regardless of where you are in your spiritual journey right now, it’s time to ignite your fire and step out of your comfort zone. It’s time to allow God to lead you out of the darkness of your past and into the light of his truth. The truth about how he made you and how much he loves you. The truth about how much richer, exciting, and glorious your life can be.

Checking In

Go around the group and check in by answering one or both of the following questions:

• What’s one thing you would like to share from your between-sessions study last week? How has God been moving in your life since the last session?

• What’s a long-term goal you’ve set and achieved in your life? Have you finished a degree or training program, trained and completed a race or triathlon, or changed your eating habits and started exercising? Don’t be modest in sharing about a past accomplishment or achievement you’ve completed.

Exploring the Big Idea

We aim high here at The Redeemed. We sincerely believe and know from personal experience that real change is possible in our lives. Therefore, we do everything in our power to spark a spiritual fire within you, a flame of change that leads to powerful and lasting transformation. This is not just spiritual hype or optimism. We’ve seen individual lives emerge from the darkness of addiction, adultery, and workaholism and move into the transformative light of connection, community, and soul rest.

Rather than trying harder, working more, and spiraling in old destructive cycles, you are free to pursue change because of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. While aspects of your old self will linger and resurface at times, you are living a new story based on your new identity in Christ and on your God-given purpose: “For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!” (Romans 5:10). Along with Paul writing to the Galatians, you can declare, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (2:20).

Walking by faith in the light of the truth, you no longer focus on the past but fix the eyes of your heart on Jesus and step into the future. There’s no turning back. It won’t be easy but will produce spiritual fruit you could never cultivate on your own efforts. Together with your like-minded, open-hearted brothers, you strive for continued growth and avoid stagnation. You honor God and respect the Holy Spirit dwelling in you by living an embodied faith: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:20).

Once the fire of transformation has been ignited, you discover and practice ways to sustain the passion, purpose, and power permeating your new life. Just as you’re experiencing in this group, this process requires connection and community with others, living life together, truthfully confessing your sins and struggles, and receiving and giving accountability and encouragement. You no longer split your inner life from your outer life as you experience newfound strength, health, and wholeness.

• What’s one negative perception, bad attitude, or destructive behavior that has changed in you since beginning this group? How have the other men helped you see this obstacle for what it is and replace it with the truth?

• What part of your story have you been withholding or waiting to share with the rest of your group? If you feel safe enough and ready to risk more vulnerability, consider sharing it with the other men at this time.

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following two passages:

¹⁰ By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. ¹¹For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. ¹² lf anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, ¹³ their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. ¹⁴ If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. ¹⁵ If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.

¹⁶ Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?

1 Corinthians 3:10-16

²⁴ Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

Matthew 7:24-27

• Using the metaphor in both passages, what kind of house best symbolizes your spiritual life right now? Describe and explain your answer.

• Why will relying on your own efforts always leave your spiritual house vulnerable to life’s storms? How do your relationships with God and others help you weather these storms?

• What needs to change in your life in order to keep your house on solid ground? How can your group help you and hold you accountable for making these changes?

Discussing the Truth

If you’ve ever tried to start a fire without matches or a lighter, then you know it’s harder than it looks. Unless you learned survival skills at a young age, have camped with an experienced guide, or watched too many episodes of Naked and Afraid, then you might struggle to create the spark necessary to ignite a fire. You might know that combustion requires fuel, heat, and oxygen, but unless you can align all three to kindle a flame, knowledge is not enough.

Spiritual combustion works the same way. You might have plenty of knowledge about God, the Bible, theology, and the history of the church, but your heart could still be closed to the truth of the gospel message. Even after you’ve accepted God’s gift of salvation and started following Jesus, you might be struggling to ignite the fire you see in other believers. Just as starting a fire requires more than fuel and oxygen, in order to experience real change in your life, you need a sustainable source of power. Which is why Jesus sent the gift of the Holy Spirit to us in order to ignite God’s power in our lives.

During his time on earth, Jesus referenced the gift he would send after his death and resurrection: “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—the Spirit of truth” (John 14:16-17). Jesus wanted to prepare his followers and help them understand that they would not be alone and have to rely on their own power to grow in their faith.

Following his resurrection, Christ told his disciples not to leave Jerusalem just yet, not until they had received his imminent gift. “For John baptized with water,” Jesus explained, “but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit” (Acts 1:5). Moments before his ascension into heaven, Jesus emphasized the purpose of this heavenly gift: “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8).

When the gift of the Holy Spirit arrived 40 days later, it’s no coincidence that it appeared as a familiar symbol of power. “Then, what looked like flames or tongues of fire appeared and settled on each of them. And everyone present was filled with the Holy Spirit” (Acts 2:3-4, NLT). These early believers went on to experience the power of the Spirit in life-changing, world-changing ways.

If you are a believer committed to following Jesus, then you received this same gift. Depending on your past experiences and what you’ve been taught, you might not fully understand what the Holy Spirit is all about. You might be a little afraid or worry about the Spirit hijacking your life in ways that make you uncomfortable. Perhaps you’re skeptical or wonder what difference it makes for God’s Spirit to dwell in you.

All the more reason to understand the fundamental purpose of the Spirit in your life—to ignite the fire of spiritual change and to sustain your transformation by relying on God’s power.

• What has your understanding and experience of the Holy Spirit been up until this point? What questions or concerns continue to linger about your relationship with God’s Spirit?

• How have you experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit helping you in your spiritual journey this week? How is your relationship with the Spirit changing?

• How does relying on God’s Spirit keep the fire of your passion and purpose burning steady and bright in your life?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• Where do you see evidence of the Holy Spirit working in the lives of your group members? How can you encourage them as they continue to be transformed?

• What’s one area in which you want more of the Spirit’s power to help you resist temptation and remain strong in your faith?

Closing in Prayer

As you go around the group and share prayer requests, provide an update on any past requests you’ve shared with the group. Then take a few minutes to pray together, giving God thanks and praise for the ways you’ve seen his Spirit working in your individual lives as well as during your group session. Seek his protection against the enemy as you continue pursuing integrity and wholeness as God’s beloved son.

Reflection Exercise

Before your next group session, spend at least ten minutes in prayer. Begin by stilling your heart before the Lord, asking him to calm your worries, fears, and distractions. Confess any areas where you’re struggling or failing to trust him completely and live in the light of his truth. Thank him for his love, mercy, and forgiveness and for the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit in your life. End your prayer time by asking for guidance, wisdom, and discernment as you use the following questions and exercises to help you reflect on and process all you’re learning.

• When you consider the spiritual fire that’s been ignited in your life, how would you describe it? Right now does it seem more like smoldering embers or a raging bonfire—or something else? What leads you to say that?

• What was one of your favorite moments from your last group session? Why does it linger with you?

• What new risks do you want to take in your remaining group sessions? How do you want to show up for the other men with the time you have left together in this group?

Finally, pair up with someone from your group you haven’t connected with yet and schedule a video call together before you next group meeting. Check in with each other on what you’re experiencing and how you see God at work in your life. Conclude by sharing at least one personal prayer request and praying for one another.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

“SKILL AT HELPING PEOPLE GROW SPIRITUALLY, LIKE SKILL AT PLAYING CHESS, DEPENDS ON UNDERSTANDING AND VALUING DIFFERENCES.”

- John Ortberg

Session 7 | Create Room for Others

Session 7 | Create Room for Others

Getting Started

The desire to belong to a group is part of being human. In ancient times, people realized that working and living together multiplied their efforts and increased their ability to defend against harsh weather, wild animals, and enemy tribes. Collaboration and cooperation enabled them to create shelters and work together to hunt and gather and store food. While most of us no longer have to depend on being part of a group to meet our basic survival needs, we still long to belong.

We don’t just long to be included—being excluded hurts. Historically, many groups focused on people who looked and acted alike and who were willing to conform to the standards of the community. Those who stood out or didn’t conform were often shunned and left to fend for themselves. Perhaps there were worthwhile reasons for keeping certain individuals outside the group—for example, if they posed a physical danger to others—but some people were cast out simply for looking different, sounding different, or holding different values than the majority.

Both desires—to connect with those like us and to fear those different–remain a part of human nature. You only have to scroll through social media for a few moments to realize all the ways people continue to judge, criticize, and exclude those they consider different. These differences include a wide range of attributes, such as race, gender, age, sexuality, nationality, ethnicity, education level, economic status, religion, and politics. You name it—someone somewhere might very well take issue with it and consider you unacceptable because of it.

The Redeemed follows the example set by Jesus and intentionally welcomes everyone regardless of how different they may be from us as individuals. Creating room for others is a priority. We train group leaders to convey the same kind of warmth, acceptance, and hospitable attitude toward all the men in their groups, regardless of their age, income, race, relationship status, or political views. This is not about social norms and cultural trends of inclusion but about showing the love of Jesus to everyone. It’s that simple—but it doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

Why? Because we’re all still human. As we see in Paul’s letters to believers in the early church, even Christians struggle at times to welcome, accept, and love one another. God’s Word is consistent, however, in both telling and showing us that God loves all people. “So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:26-28).

Checking In

Go around the group and check in by answering one or both of the following questions:

• What would you like to share from your between-sessions study last week? How has God’s Spirit been working in your life since the last session?

• When have you felt excluded, or at least not included, by a group that you wanted to belong to? Why do you suspect that you were not part of this particular group?

Exploring the Big Idea

Committed community is a blessing and something to be entered into carefully and protected. As Kingdom citizens, however, we are always expanding the tent to make room for more people. We cannot get in a holy huddle and leave others on the outside. We want everyone to experience the same grace and freedom we have experienced in the Body of Christ. We want them to know the love of God in a way that disrupts their lives in the best possible ways and meets their deepest longings.

We know that there’s a history of baggage when it comes to faith, religion, and spiritual beliefs. This is why we respect that each person has their own journey with God. Our part is simply to welcome them into our circles and show them, not just tell them, what the life-changing message of the gospel is all about.

It can be challenging to initiate change in order to grow our communities. It’s easier to stick with what’s familiar and comfortable and just enjoy the relationships we already have. This mindset can become idolatrous, though, and prevent us from living out the final instruction Jesus gave his followers: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20). Obeying Jesus in this great commission means resisting the temptation to keep our relationships status quo.

We have had several guys from outside the U.S. join our groups, men whose demographics were different than the majority in their group. We have welcomed men of different races and ethnicities, ages and stages of life, and various backgrounds and watched them connect and form deep friendships. There’s nothing we can do to make those bonds form except try to create a safe place for authenticity and vulnerability. Ultimately, it’s up to you and the others in your group.

It would be easy to let language barriers, racial differences, generational gaps, and other distinctions cause division. We choose to welcome others and help them even if they are very different than us. We don’t claim to have all the answers or try to force any kind of agenda on them. We believe we need each other in order to grow together and become more like Jesus. Because he breaks down all dividing walls and meets our deepest needs, no matter who we are or where we’re from.

• Look around at the other men in your group. How has the way you see them now changed since meeting them in your first session? What has contributed to this shift?

• How have the other men in the group helped you to feel welcome and included? How have you tried to show them the same?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

¹ Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through.

² A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy.³ He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd.⁴ So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

⁵ When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” ⁶So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

⁷ All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a ‘sinner.’”

⁸ But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”

⁹ Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. ¹⁰ For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.”

Luke 19:1-10

• Based on how Zacchaeus is described in this passage, why do you suppose he might feel like an outsider? What details here provide evidence that he lacked community?

• Why do you imagine Jesus engaged with Zacchaeus this way? When have you been surprised by the warm, sincere way someone invited you to join them after noticing you were alone?

• Why does being seen and accepted for who you are, differences and all, have such a powerful impact? How can this awareness motivate you to reach out to others more often?

Discussing the Truth

God intends for our relationships to be among the greatest life-sustaining contributors to your health, happiness, and success. He provides opportunities for us to connect authentically and vulnerably with trustworthy friends willing to walk with us through our darkest times as well as celebrate our wins with us. The joy of being part of a healthy community is immeasurable.

As you’re discovering in this group, what you invest in others usually correlates to what you invest in them. If you want to develop deep bonds with your Christian brothers in this group, then focus on being the kind of friend you want to have. Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

Loving others as Jesus loves us can seem effortless with others who are like us. When you have common interests, similar backgrounds, and are at a similar place in your faith journey, you naturally connect and feel a certain kinship. But notice Jesus didn’t tell us to love the people who are easy to love. In fact, he instructed us to love even our enemies!

⁴³ You have heard that it was said, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48

While hopefully you don’t view anyone in your group as your enemy, the message is clear to care for those who may be radically different from us. Based on the example of Jesus, we’re called to show love and compassion to others who might be overlooked or outcast by the majority. When Jesus invited himself to have dinner with Zacchaeus, he knew others would grumble and mutter their disapproval, which indeed they did (Luke 19:7). But the response from Zacchaeus was more than worth it.

Zacchaeus was not simply an outsider. Being short in stature may not have helped, but he was most likely disliked and despised by most everyone in his community because of his profession. Like most tax collectors at that time, he had probably gotten rich by demanding money for the government but pocketing plenty for himself along the way. Perhaps Zacchaeus would be similar to a corrupt public leader today, someone everyone loves to hate, a parasite trolled for his greed.

But this is not how Jesus saw Zacchaeus. He knew right where this guy was hiding up in the sycamore tree and boldly cut through small talk. Zacchaeus was probably beyond surprised at being seen and valued by this man called Jesus whom the tax collector had heard so much about. He had not anticipated interacting with Jesus and apparently just wanted a glimpse above the crowds following this carpenter from Nazareth.

Notice Jesus made it clear he wasn’t put off by the tax collector’s reputation. And Jesus didn’t bring up religious laws, theology, or public opinion—he wanted to share a meal with this little man up in the tree. Jesus knew the longing in this lonely man’s heart and understood that often people don’t care what you know as much as they want to know that you care.

We see plenty of other examples in the life of Jesus where he addressed the longing of someone’s heart—for healing, connection, mercy, forgiveness, and acceptance. Just consider Christ’s interaction with the woman caught in adultery, the ten lepers, the Samaritan woman at the well, the woman with the immoral reputation who washed his feet with her tears. Time and time again, Jesus ignored differences and connected spiritually.

We’re called to do the same.

• How would you describe your experiences with being part of a community in your adult life so far? Have you spent more time in a healthy community or out of it?

• Similar to Zacchaeus climbing up in the sycamore tree to spy Jesus passing by, when have you hidden your longing to connect with a potential friend? How did you hide or what did you hide behind?

• What word, phrase, or image stands out to you in the story of Zacchaeus? In Jesus’s command to love those different from us, including our enemies?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• How have the other men in this group created space for you to be yourself and belong? What has surprised you most about the way you interact with them?

• What big idea or point resonates with you most right now? Why do you suppose it stands out?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share any prayer requests you would like others to pray about. Include any updates on past requests and then pray for everyone’s requests together, either silently or out loud or both. Name specific aspects of your group you especially appreciate and thank God for them. Bless the other men in the group by naming one particular thing you admire and appreciate about them. Ask God’s Spirit to continue to empower you all and to draw your hearts together in order to support and encourage one another.

Reflection Exercise

Sometime before your next group session, take at least a few undistracted minutes to reflect on what lingers from your last group session. Before using the following questions to help you reflect and process, still your heart and mind before God and invite his Spirit to show you what he wants you to remember and any actions you might need to take. Look back over all that was covered in the previous group session along with any notes or comments you made. Then grab your notebook or journal and write down your responses to the following questions and prompts.

• What’s one personal barrier you have to overcome in order to engage in new relationships with other men? How does your usual relational style—quiet, reserved, loud, talkative, aloof, engaged, etc.—sometimes prevent you from connecting on a deeper, more substantive level?

• What examples of bias and prejudice have you experienced in your life? How have these experiences shaped the way you try to accept and respect others?

• Which man in your group would you like to know better? What would you like to know? Reach out to him and see when you can schedule a call or video conference.

Instead of a video call with another group member this week, think about another man you know and would like to know better. He might be a guy at church, a coworker with a similar sense of humor, a neighbor you wave at but haven’t talked to, or the friend of a friend. If it’s possible to ask him in person if you could get together for coffee or lunch, great—if not, call or text him to see when you might get together.

It can feel like a big risk. However, in addition to relationships and community with the men in your online group, it’s vitally important to cultivate friendships in close proximity. Don’t disclose that you’re meeting with him because of this exercise; just let him know you’d like to know more about him.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

“A REAL FRIEND IS ONE WHO WALKS IN WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD WALKS OUT.”

- Walter Winchell

Session 8 | Be Consistent and Continual

Session 8 | Be Consistent and Continual

Getting Started

You likely learned at an early age that most friendships tend to come and go. Each new school year you probably recognized familiar faces from the previous year as well as a few unfamiliar names and faces. Similarly, you might have had different teachers and coaches as you moved up through schools. If you moved a lot growing up, you might have had to start over with new communities several times.

You might have played on sports teams or attended summer camps that also had a rotating cast. Perhaps you became friends with a few of the guys and grew close only to experience the disappointment and loss of growing apart as circumstances and dynamics changed. As kids we often loved with abandon, especially when it came to bonding with peers.

Perhaps you’re fortunate to still have close friendships from childhood, or perhaps you never really experienced the kind of friendship bond you wanted—a friend who knew you, accepted you, and enjoyed you just for being you. Whatever your childhood experiences, by adulthood most of us realize that even when we do connect with other men, the friendship can be challenging to sustain. The busyness and demands of our families, jobs, and other commitments can consume all of our time, providing both frustration as well as an easy excuse for hiding rather than being intentional and risking vulnerability.

As we move toward the end of our time together in this group study on transformative community, it’s important to think about how to stay connected and consistent in pursuit of prioritizing authentic relationships with other brothers. There’s a good chance you will continue to connect and deepen your friendship with some of the men in your group right now. But there’s also a good chance that you won’t stay connected to everyone at the same level moving forward.

This is why you’re encouraged to be intentional with men in your immediate circle who live closer to you. As amazing and significant as it is to connect online, there are also powerful benefits from having a few men you can meet in person and with whom you can be honest and vulnerable. While online connectivity is great, sometimes when you’re struggling or lonely, nothing beats sharing a leisurely meal, attending a ballgame or concert together, or just hanging out.

Depending on your location in relation to the other men in your group, you’re encouraged to consider the possibility of meeting with them in person. Obviously, numerous factors complicate in-person meetings, but a number of men in our previous groups have met up. Some groups even consider sticking together and completing another online study together, which is definitely an option and something to consider going into your next and final session.

Regardless of how you connect, the most important take-aways from this study on transformative community are twofold: 1) discovering more of your true self—your identity in Christ as a new man and your God-given purpose in this life and 2) risking and relating with other men willing to be honest, vulnerable, and open to giving and receiving accountability and encouragement. In other words, your experience in this group study is not one-and-done, check-it-off-your-list.

Remember, the roots of your authentic self and your relationship with God grow deeper and stronger in community. Having other men who are there for you, willing to be committed, consistent, and continual in community, is life-changing.

Checking In

Go around the group and check in by answering one or both of the following questions:

• Anything you would like to share from your between-sessions study last week? What has continued to linger with you since your previous group meeting?

• What’s one thing that has changed, or has started to shift, in how you view yourself since starting this group? What (and who) has contributed to this change or shift?

Exploring the Big Idea

As wonderful as it might be if you were healed, whole, and healthy at the end of this group study, God has designed you to experience sanctification, another term for spiritual transformation and personal change, as an ongoing process. You are on a lifelong journey of learning and transformation. You are not where you used to be before accepting Christ and welcoming the Holy Spirit into your life—and you’re not where you will be at the end of your life and into eternity with God in heaven. “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen” (2 Peter 3:18).

While we usually like the security and stability of having our lives, including our relationships, remain the same, we also know that change is inevitable. Weathering and embracing change also has tremendous upside as you realize God never intended for you to do life alone. He wants you to rely on him more than yourself, but he also created you to grow and thrive in community with other people.

The friendships you once had may or may not have lasted into where you are presently. But now that you’ve experienced the acceptance, support, love, accountability, and encouragement of having brothers on a similar spiritual journey in your life, you’re realizing the powerful positive impact of having authentic relationship and committed community.

Making transformative community a priority in your life and being intentional about its cultivation is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. As a result, you will always long for connection in authentic relationships, even as you change over time. And some of these changes will happen because of other people. Your relationships refine you as you learn and grow through connections with others: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).

We are always changing, both from other circumstances and through our relationships—and at the same time, our relationships help us find continuity through those changes. You trust God to meet your needs, including your relational and emotional needs, and open yourself to the people he brings into your life. No matter your age and stage of life, no matter where you are in your relationship with God, there is always more.

• What thoughts and feelings rise up inside as you consider the mission of The Redeemed? What stirs up a sense of hope and longing about being part of such a community of men? What leads to fear, anxiety, or insecurity?

• Which of the five core values stands out or resonates with you most right now? Why is it especially important for you at this time?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader or another group member reads aloud the following passage:

¹²The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. ¹³Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit.

¹⁴Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. ¹⁵ If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

¹⁸ But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. ¹⁹How strange a body would be if it had only one part! ²⁰ Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. ²¹ The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

²² In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. ²³ And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, ²⁴ while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. ²⁵This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

²⁷All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.

1 Corinthians 12:12-27, NLT

• If you compared yourself to a physical part of the human body, what would you choose? How are you like that particular body part?

• When have you wished you were more like someone else in order to experience a greater sense of belonging and community? What have you since realized about what you have to contribute to others?

• On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “no more connected than when we started” and 10 being “closer than a brother,” what score expresses your sense of connection and community with the other men in this group? Explain your answer.

Discussing the Truth

God created you to experience authentic relationships. Not only does his Word consistently reveal this truth throughout its pages, but we also find evidence for it in what mental health experts call attachment science. If you’ve ever wondered why you respond the way you do in relating to other people, it’s often the result of how you’ve learned to relate in hope of getting your emotional needs met.

As you might expect, attachment refers to your ability to connect and sustain virtually all human relationships—with your parents, family, spouse, children, friends, coworkers, social groups, and cultural affiliations. Simply put, attachment determines how you connect and bond with others emotionally. That includes how you relate to your family members like parents or siblings, how you bond with your spouse, and how you connect with your friends.

In recent years, more and more people have drawn on attachment science to understand why particular themes and patterns seem to recur over and over again in their relationships. The study of how we attach, or fail to attach, in relationships is often associated with John Bowlby, a pioneering psychiatrist and therapist during the mid-twentieth century. With a background in child psychiatry and development psychology, Bowlby wondered why and how children relate to their parents and caregivers in such different ways. Working in a psychiatric hospital, he began by examining internal factors shaping a child’s personality, like emotional and biological influences. But eventually, he shifted his focus to the external factors, such as children’s home environment and the parenting styles of their primary caregivers.⁴

During the 1950’s, Bowlby narrowed his focus to mother-child separation issues, where he saw that infants not only rely on their mothers for food but for emotional security and stability. His research showed how important this sort of secure attachment is to our development and maturation. Today, attachment science is a respected field of study and therapeutic treatment.

Everyone wants to be loved from the time we’re born until the time we die. We want to be known for who we are and loved unconditionally. Of course, as infants we enter this world helpless and dependent, relying on parents to not only feed us, clothe us, change us, and provide shelter for us but also to comfort and console us, to protect and keep us safe.

Unfortunately, no matter how well we may have been loved during our early years, we all experience some wounds from not being loved perfectly. Interactions with others—who have their own wounds and shortcomings resulting in fears, addictions, bad choices, abandonment, and rejection—leave us with emotional wounds that we carry with us.

Attachment wounds form specifically when we don’t receive consistent care and affection from our parents or caregivers in our early years. While we all crave secure attachments, many of us didn’t experience the constancy, consistency, connection, and comfort needed from our parents to solidify it. As a result, we develop patterns of relating to others based on what might have helped us connect with caregivers when we were small — or what might have relieved the pain of not connecting with them.

Children develop secure attachments when they can trust their caregivers will show up to meet their needs. They feel safe, known, and loved with their parents or other caregivers, giving them a strong foundation for exploring the world. As adults, this can make it easier for them to bond with and rely on others while still having a sense of their own identity and feeling comfortable being alone.

Anxious attachments form when babies don’t reliably get what they need when they need it. In order to get their parents’ attention, they can become fussy, clingy, or overly needy. Without addressing those unmet needs, these children often become codependent as adults, clinging to others because they’re afraid of losing their connection.

On the other hand, some babies react to not getting their needs met by becoming more self-reliant. They conclude that they must soothe and comfort themselves and meet their own needs. As a result, they can find it difficult to trust others to come through for them, and as adults, they may struggle to open up emotionally. This is called an avoidant attachment style.

The fourth category of attachment styles, often called ambivalent or anxious-ambivalent, combines both of these ways of relating. As adults, these people often send mixed signals and fall into the pull-push style of relating—opening up or seeking out affection one day and then withdrawing or pushing people away the next.

We all long to be loved for who we are and to trust that others care and will provide the emotional support we need in healthy ways. Without becoming more self-aware about the ways we typically relate, we remain stuck in patterns that can impede our ability to connect deeply with others. Recognizing, validating, and expressing what we need from others, including our Christian brothers, helps us experience healing from old wounds and discover new, healthy ways torelate as God intended.⁵

• Do you have any previous exposure or exploration of attachment styles? What have you learned about the consistent patterns in your own style of relating?

• When you consider your childhood and upbringing, which of your emotional needs often went unmet? What assumptions and conclusions did you form based on the ways others related to you?

• Which relational style (secure, anxious, avoidant, ambivalent) generally reflects how you have related in significant relationships throughout your life? How has this style of relating manifested in the way you relate to the men in this group?

Wrap-up Activity

Close this session by going around the group and sharing your answers to the following questions:

• What feelings are stirring inside as you consider your group only has one more session in this study? What’s prompting those feelings?

• What’s one way you would like to change how you relate to others in significant relationships? How would this change improve your ability to connect?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share one personal request you have related to what you want to take away from your experience in this group. Share any other updates or requests you have and then pray together, both silently and aloud as God’s Spirit leads you. Give thanks for each man and the ways they have shared themselves and their stories with the group. Pray that God would allow you to continue to support and encourage one another as you make authentic relationships and committed community a priority in your lives.

Reflection Exercise

With only one more group session remaining, it’s natural to be thinking about what you’ve gotten from this experience, what you will take with you, and how you can continue to stay connected with the men in your group and others. You have gotten a good taste of how it feels to be known and accepted by others you trust and to know and accept them authentically as well. Transitioning from a rewarding relational experience can often be tricky. Rather than face feelings of sadness and missing others, you may be tempted to default back into old patterns that suppress your relational needs and resort to unhealthy coping methods.

To help with your transition, spend a few minutes in prayer and ask God to meet you where you are and help you identify and acknowledge whatever you may be feeling right now. Use the questions and exercises below to help you think through how you want to show up in your last group session. Don’t forget to write down your responses and anything you might want to share with the group in your final meeting.

• What has disappointed you during the past eight sessions with your group? How can you address or remedy this disappointment in your next session?

• How do you suppose the other men in your group would describe you at this point? How would they say you have changed since the group started?

• What has meant the most to you or been especially impactful over the course of your group sessions? How can you celebrate and honor this in the final session?

Reflecting on your relationships with the others in your group, who are the men you want to continue to pursue for ongoing connection and friendship? Choose one of them and set up a video call to share how you’re feeling about the group coming to a close. Discuss ways you can realistically stay in touch and the best methods for sustaining your connection and building a stronger friendship.

Group member I will contact:

Day/time when we will have a video call:.

______________________________

⁴ https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-theory/

⁵ For a thorough exploration of attachment styles, including how they impact our relationship with God, read Attached to God by Krispin Mayfield (Zondervan, 2022).

“CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY IS THE PLACE WHERE WE KEEP THE FLAME OF HOPE ALIVE AMONG US AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY SO THAT IT CAN GROW AND BECOME STRONGER IN US.”

- Henri Nouwen

Session 9 | Support the Game Plan

Session 9 | Support the Game Plan

Getting Started

Can you think of a time you unexpectedly received an upgrade, bonus, or perk? Perhaps you were flying and got moved up to a larger seat with more leg room and gourmet snacks and free drinks. Or you might have been checking into your hotel after reserving the most budget-friendly room and rate available only to discover you’re staying in a spacious luxury suite for the same price. After making last-minute dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant, you might have been shocked when the hostess seated you on the terrace with a stunning view. Maybe your tickets for a concert or ballgame were up in the “cheap seats,” but you were ushered down to the front row close to the stage or sidelines.

New relationships can sometimes feel this way when someone surprises you with their depth, kindness, strength, and support. You may have had a first impression that turned out to be inaccurate or incomplete compared to the person who has become your friend. While you may have had high hopes for your experience in this group, we hope your expectations have been exceeded as you have gotten to know one another and grow in your faith. We hope you have tasted the freedom, joy, and unconditional love that God has for you through the care, kindness, and support of your group.

We see this kind of powerful relational impact described by early Celtic Christians in Ireland, Scotland, and the surrounding areas during the Early Middle Ages (approximately the 6th through 10th centuries). These believers emphasized the spiritual necessity of having people in your life who served as your anam cara, the Gaelic phrase literally meaning “soul friend.” According to one expert on Celtic Christianity, “The anam cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life.”⁶ This kind of friend provided a connection resulting from both recognition, seeing you for who you really are, and belonging, doing life together in pursuit of knowing and loving God.

Regardless of what you call such individuals, they are necessary for your ongoing personal growth, spiritual development, and healthy maturity. Even if you lose touch with the men presently in your group, don’t compromise the longing you have for meaningful friendships with other men. God made you to be known and loved, to be sharpened and strengthened as a man by other men.

While we hope the bonds formed in this group will continue to be cultivated and strengthened after your time together in this study, you may have your doubts. Perhaps you’re skeptical that what you’ve experienced with your group can be sustained without the structure of a curriculum and group leader. You might harbor some disappointments that you didn’t connect with some of the men on a deeper level or that you chose not to risk sharing certain hard parts of your story.

However you might describe these past eight weeks in your group, you now get to move forward fueled by your own initiative. If the community you’ve experienced here has made a difference, then you have the ability to choose how to keep your relational momentum going. It won’t be easy or convenient—your life circumstances, responsibilities, and distractions will frequently get in the way. But you can choose now what you need most in your relationships, how to prioritize your new connections from this group, and who to pursue in person within your current network.

If you truly believe a community of Christian brothers makes a positive difference in your life, then you will find ways to act on this priority. You will be intentional about how to support and modify the relational game plan you’ve experienced in your group. You will take risks to call or text your soul friends when you’re struggling and feeling down as well as when you’re just thinking of them and want to encourage them. You will value having and being an anam cara for other kindred men you love.

Checking In

Go around the group and check in by answering one or both of the following questions:

• What three words best describe your experience in this group over the past weeks together? Briefly explain.

• What’s one of the best unexpected upgrades or surprise perks you’ve ever received? How did it feel to receive so much more than you expected?

Exploring the Big Idea

If you look back at session one, you will see that relationships, connection, and community are missional core values for us at The Redeemed. In addition, we hope that you have experienced our mission through the impact of your group. During these past weeks, we hope you have found a safe place to awaken your true self, forge strong brotherhoods with other men, and ignite your passion and purpose for lasting change.

We hope you have benefited from the intimate bonds forged when you risk vulnerability about your story and your struggles, connecting with other men who are just as willing to share theirs. Your weekly sessions have focused on fostering personal growth, deepening your faith, and building stronger relational connections. You have explored and discussed our core values, so now is a good time to review them and consider their significance as part of God’s calling on your life:

1. Awaken Your True Self: We break down walls and foster genuine connections. We encourage honesty from ourselves and respect the truth in others.

2. Forge Brotherhood: Relationships are our lifeblood. We build a community of men that becomes an unshakeable force for good.

3. Ignite Your Fire: We inspire men to embrace God’s transformative power, sparking a journey toward lasting and meaningful change.

4. Promote Safety: We create an environment where everyone feels secure and supported, which allows you to thrive.

5. Live by the Word: The Bible is our foundation, our guiding light. Every choice, every action, is rooted in its unwavering principles.

In between your group sessions, you’ve been invited and encouraged to build friendships and strengthen connections with other participants. You’ve enjoyed the blessings that come from receiving as well as giving in these relationships. You’ve looked beyond what others can do for you and practiced taking the initiative to give encouragement and support to others. Now it’s up to you to decide how to continue moving forward.

While you may be feeling a mix of emotions as this group study concludes, you now have the opportunity to build on all you’ve learned and experienced. Now is a good time to consider your capacity for ongoing relationships and your boundaries and preferences about how and when you will communicate with other group members. Again, being consistent and maintaining continuity means have a regular frequency and intentional opportunity to talk, share, and pray together.

You’re encouraged to continue scheduling individual video calls with other group members so that you can share authentically and cultivate your connection. Setting up and participating in group communication through apps such as GroupMe or WhatsApp enables everyone to stay in touch, share resources, lift up prayer requests, celebrate victories, and maintain your connection. We hope this group study has challenged you, encouraged you, and supported you on your journey alongside other men walking by faith in the same direction.

• As you look over the five core values, which ones have you experienced in the group most powerfully? Which ones do you want to experience in more depth?

• How would you describe your between-sessions video calls with other men in your group? What have you learned about how to communicate honestly and vulnerably one-on-one?

Considering the Word

Follow along as your group leader reads aloud the following passage:

¹¹So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹²to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

¹⁴Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Ephesians 4:11-16

• Based on this passage, how do we become more mature in our faith? What role do we play in helping one another grow and mature?

• As you think back over the previous sessions of your group, when did someone “speak the truth in love” to you? How did their words impact you?

• What do you need from the other men in order to continue feeling known, accepted, and loved? How can you sustain your connection?

Discussing the Truth

“We hate it, but we know we need other men. We hate getting in touch with this need because we still think we’re supposed to do everything on our own—but that’s not how God made us.”

“For the first time in my adult life, I feel like other men know everything about me—all my stupid mistakes and acting out—and yet still accept me. No, they go beyond accepting me and somehow love me despite knowing how badly I’ve messed up.”

“I’m more hopeful now than I’ve been in years. Not all risks deliver what you hope, but being in this group sure did. This experience has awakened something in me, and now I want more.”

“I was disappointed that I didn’t share more honestly about my present struggles with the group. But one of the men called me after our final session and asked how I was really doing. He sensed that I needed support even when I was afraid to ask for it. God is so good!”

“My depression has lifted because my purpose has been renewed. I have something to offer other men.”

These are just a few of the comments received from men who have participated in groups similar to yours. Everyone’s experience differs, so be honest with yourself about how this process has been for you. If there are ways the group experience could be better, please let your leaders know and make suggestions. If you wish you had taken more risks, it’s not too late—you can still reach out to the men in your group and let them know you’re ready to share at a deeper level.

By this point, you know what’s true. You are wired to need relationships—not just family and casual friends but soul friends, men willing to walk alongside you as you share the various facets of your lives together. You need these kind of authentic relationships because of the fact that you will struggle again. As much as you may not like that reality, the good news is that you no longer have to struggle alone. Your brothers in the Spirit can provide other perspectives and remind you of what’s true. When you’re feeling overwhelmed and weak, they can offer their strength, protection, and prayers.

Remember, God never meant for you to handle life on your own. Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, pointed out, “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, NLT, emphasis added). See the difference? It’s hard to stay calm, grounded, and steady in your faith when hard things happen in your life. It’s hard to resist temptation when you’re stressed, anxious, afraid, angry, or overwhelmed. You can’t do it alone—not for long and not successfully—and you don’t have to!

As your group concludes this study, think about what you want to say to the other men. Take a few minutes and briefly share your final thoughts about how the other men have helped you during these past weeks. Don’t forget to thank your leaders for their contribution and how they’ve served you all.

• What thoughts and feelings are stirring inside you as this group study ends? Why do you suppose you’re feeling this way?

• How are you a better man—more honest, open, connected, courageous—than you were when you began this group? How have the other men helped you be more of the man God created you to be?

• What are some ways you plan to stay connected to the men in your group? How can you also pursue some in-personal relationships with other men? Brainstorm together how you can form a feasible game plan for maintaining your momentum.

Wrap-up Activity

Close this final session by going around the group and sharing your responses to the following questions:

• Which of the previous sessions had the most powerful impact on you? What did you experience in that session that made such a difference?

• What’s one specific goal or intention you’re making for remaining connected to authentic community moving forward? How would you like the other men to support and encourage you in this endeavor?

Closing in Prayer

Go around the group and share your prayer requests and updates one last time before praying together. Thank God for each man in the group and for the journey you’ve taken together these past nine sessions. Ask the Spirit to guide and protect each of you moving forward and to keep your hearts connected in pursuit of being all God made you to be.

Reflection Exercise

Now that you’ve completed all nine sessions, use these final questions and exercises to help you reflect and evaluate your experience and all you’ve learned. As you will see, you’re also encouraged to remain in touch with group members as you continue to support and uphold one another. To help with your time of reflection and assessment, you may also want to review your previous answers by flipping back through the journal or notebook you used for your responses. Begin your time of reflection by stilling your heart before God and lifting up each of the men in your group by name.

• As you reflect on all you’ve learned and experienced, make a gratitude list of things you especially appreciate. If needed, use these prompts to get you started:

I am thankful for...

When I think about my group, I really appreciate...

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with...

• How has your relationship with God changed over the course of this group study? What has contributed to this change?

• What will you carry forward from all you received in your group? How can this group experience help you to continue to grow personally and spiritually?

Before more than a week has passed, schedule an upcoming video call with at least two of the other men from your group. Send a text or make a connection with the other men as well. Let them know you’re praying for them and share how they can pray for you.

______________________________

⁶ John O’Donohue in Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom (New York: Harper Perennial, 2004) xviii.