The Rampant Trait that Destroys Marriages
In our conversation, TJ shared insights from one of his most requested teachings: the destructive power of defensiveness in marriage and how to break free from it. His words hit home because every one of us has felt that inner rush of irritation, shame, or fear when our wives question us, and we’ve seen how pulling away only widens the distance. Listen to the full episode here.
Today, he’s sharing with us one of his most requested resources from his coaching program. “The Rampant Trait That Destroys Marriages,” in hopes that you can glean wisdom from his mistakes and avoid unnecessary pain in your own marriage!
The Rampant Trait That Destroys Marriages
Do you ever feel a rush of irritation during a conversation with your wife? Maybe she questions a decision you’ve made or voices frustration about the kids. Suddenly, your heart races, your muscles tense, and all you want is for the discomfort to stop — so you withdraw or shut her down.
You tell yourself, “If this conversation goes away, I am in control, therefore I win.” But you know the truth. Nobody wins. She’s hurt, more frustrated, and the distance between you has only grown.
If this is you, you’re not alone. This is defensiveness — its rampant in marriage and incredibly destructive. Defensiveness shuts down much needed conversations that could bring connection, peace, and freedom. It’s a self protective stance that keeps you self focused and detached from others.
So, why do we get defensive? Sure, maybe she’s critical at times — but let’s not blame her, it runs deeper than that. For me, defensiveness comes down to fear, insecurity, hurt, and shame. These feelings sometimes overwhelm me and block my ability to stay present with my wife. Suddenly, her concern feels like an attack on my identity as a man. So, instead of hearing her heart, I hear, “You’re not enough.” But that’s not what she’s saying at all. That’s only my shame and fear talking. You see, shame creates false beliefs about yourself, others, and God and fuels more fear and more lies.
So, what’s the antidote?
- First, ask the questions: What am I afraid of? Upsetting her? Disappointing her? Hurting her? Being alone? Rejection?
- Second, ask: What does my shame say about who I believe I am (identity)? A disappointment? Failure? Bad guy? Inadequate? Not enough?
- Third, ask: Is this my true identity? (Let me help you — the answer is no.)
- Next, ask God: Who do You say I am? Listen.
Then, walk in that truth and lean into what she is actually saying. There is a big difference between disappointing someone and being a disappointment. In order to drop our defenses, we need to anchor to who we truly are, humble ourselves and give
up the need to be right.
The Truth
Truth puts your heart into a state that allows you to see her, hear her, and understand her. After all, that is what you want her to do for you, true?
If you are having trouble finding the truth remember that you weren’t born believing these lies. They didn’t come from your Father in Heaven — they come from pain and hurt in this life. So let Him remind you who you really are:
Deeply Loved — Jeremiah 31:3
Created in His Image — Genesis 1:27
Known Intimately — Jeremiah 1:5
Precious and Honored — Isaiah 43:4
Chosen — John 15:16
Redeemed — Ephesians 1:7
His Child — 1 John 3:1
Not Condemned — Romans 8:1
A New Creation — 2 Corinthians 5:17
His Masterpiece — Ephesians 2:10
Breathe this in. This is who you are. From this place of worth, you can step into deeper relationship with her without fear.
Friend, you have two roads: the wide road of defensiveness that keeps you stuck or the narrow road of humility, anchored in who you truly are, that leads to freedom. The second road is worth it. Every time.
So today, believe the truth. Lower your shield. Be humble. See your wife. Don’t let shame and fear sabotage your marriage. This is true strength.
Download TJ's Free Resource: The Marriage Restoration Blueprint
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