How to Navigate the Dating World,
Post-Divorce
Dating After Divorce: Getting Back on the Horse
But eventually I did dip a toe in that pool, and I was surprised to find it wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t all great, of course—I dealt with my share of awkward matchups, uncomfortable pauses, and ghostings. But I did finally get to a point where I was having fun and feeling comfortable in my own skin again. And I learned a lot that’s helped me relate and communicate better not only with women, but with people in general.
Lessons Learned About Dating After Divorce
I want to share some of those lessons with those of you who may be in a similar situation to the one I was in. Getting back into the dating pool after a divorce, even a relatively amicable one like mine was, is never easy; residual feelings of guilt, failure, anger, or inadequacy can make you feel like you’re undeserving of, or unfit for, a new relationship.
But if you can keep the past in the past and see dating not as a risk of repeating previous mistakes but as a chance to make a fresh start, you can find yourself on the road to the companionship, validation, and fulfillment you’re looking for.
1. There’s no set timetable.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how long post-divorce is the “right time” to start dating again, because it’s different for everybody. All I can tell you is not to let negative feelings determine when the right time is. Don’t immediately leap into the dating pool just to show your ex how quickly you’ve moved on; it’s not a race. At the same time, don’t let lingering guilt or regret keep you from enjoying life.
It took me more than a year to make a serious effort at dating because I thought 1) if I couldn’t keep a marriage going, I was probably no good as a partner, and 2) I didn’t deserve happiness in the first place.
Through counseling and making peace with my ex, though, I realized that much of that guilt was misplaced, and I probably could’ve started dating a lot sooner than I did.
Instead of focusing on time, focus on whether you’re re-entering the dating world for the right reasons. That more than anything will tell you when you’re ready.
2. Manage your expectations.
My ex and I never had kids, but I still wanted a family. At the age of 40, though, I felt like time was rapidly running out. So at times I found myself getting frustrated that I couldn’t picture any of the women I was dating as that kind of serious life partner.
I had to remind myself more than once to just live in the moment and not plan out the next 10 or 20 years of my life in one evening.
So if you’ve just ended a marriage, particularly a long one, it’s probably not a good idea to head right out looking for your next spouse. Dating is very much a trial-and-error process, and we rarely know if someone’s a potential life partner until we’ve been seeing them for a while.
In the beginning, try to be content with “I’m having fun now”; if you find yourself saying that over and over again about the same person, maybe then you might have found special.
3. Make it about more than physical attraction.
Just as looking for your next spouse right away might be asking too much, only settling for “booty calls” might be asking for too little. Physical attraction, while important, can’t be the only pillar upon which a meaningful relationship is built.
Sure, relationships usually begin with two people being drawn to each other’s physical appearance, but you owe it to the woman you’re dating, and to yourself, to find other things to appreciate.
Focusing on more than just the physical will make you much happier in the long run—and, frankly, result in much better decisions. (That means don’t just go around hitting on hot women half your age just because they’re attractive. Women have a phrase for those types of men, and it’s “that creepy guy who goes around hitting on women half his age.”)
4. Embrace technology.
I returned to the dating world after 10 years to find a plethora of dating apps, something that had barely existed back in 2008. (I mean, phone apps period were still a relatively new concept in 2008.) But instead of being something challenging I had to figure out, I quickly came to see them as something convenient that made my life much less stressful.
Think of dating apps as an E-Z Pass that will let you sail past the “first awkward meeting” stage of a relationship. When you match with someone on an app, you’re only texting at first, so you’re still disconnected enough to soften any feelings of awkwardness or rejection. But when you do have that first in-person meeting, you already know a little bit about her personality and preferences.
I had the most success with Bumble, an app in which women always make the first attempt at communication and you’re encouraged to go beyond the superficial.
But there are dozens of apps out there, with options for every niche and interest—Christians, farmers, people in recovery, pilots, you name it.
5. Think outside the box—and the bars.
We think of bars as the obvious place to meet people because that’s what we always see in movies and TV shows. But of the happy couples you know, how many of them met in bars? If that’s not an environment in which you feel comfortable, go somewhere else—and do something else.
Join a club based around a sport or hobby, which means you’ll automatically share at least one interest with the female members. Try meeting people through volunteer activities with a church or civic organization. And when you do begin dating regularly, don’t feel like every single date has to be at a bar or restaurant, or involve alcohol at all.
“Sober dating” is becoming more and more popular for people who want to try dating without the risk of “liquid courage” turning them into someone they’re not.
6. While you’re trying to find someone, let yourself be found.
“You always find someone when you stop looking” is one of those clichéd pieces of advice that is both 1) well-meaning and 2) completely useless in a practical sense, so I won’t waste your time with it.
Maybe a better way to phrase it would be “Don’t ignore someone just because you weren’t looking for her.”
You may be using three different dating apps, you may be in seven different clubs, you may have friends setting you up right and left, but always be open to the possibility that your soul mate could come from somewhere else entirely.
Be present and aware enough to recognize a potential partner who doesn’t come to you through the “usual channels.”
That’s what happened to me. After nine months or so of dating, I reconnected with a classmate from high school almost out of the blue when I DMed her through Instagram asking if she’d heard anything about our 25th reunion. She hadn’t, but over the course of our conversation, I found out that she, too, was recently divorced—and that we’d both had crushes on each other in high school and never known it. A long-distance relationship blossomed, I moved back east to be closer to her, and today I know I’ve found my soul mate. Four years ago, that kind of connection seemed like a virtual impossibility, but it happened.
Stay in the moment and keep an open mind, and it can happen to you, too.
Search
Listen to our podcast
On the go? Check out The Redeemed Man podcast on the website or wherever you subscribe to podcasts.
Recent Blog Posts
Share This Post
More Posts From The Redeemed
The Redeemed offers articles and resources on spiritual growth, relationships, family, overcoming trauma and loss, and more. Providing guidance for incorporating Biblical teachings into our everyday lives.
Breaking Free From Performance and Shame Through Your Identity in Christ
Maybe you’ve heard the name Frank Abagnale—the real-life con artist who became famous in the film Catch Me If You Can. Before the age of 21, he successfully convinced the world that he was, among other things, an airline pilot, doctor, and lawyer. Each identity came with confidence, credentials, and applause. And for a while, the masks worked—Abagnale fooled many people. However, it eventually caught up with him. Every false identity he wore led him deeper into consequence, fear, and exposure.
Prayer and Fasting in Community Strengthens Christian Men
Who are you becoming in Christ?
Prayer and fasting are deeply personal practices, but they are not meant to be practiced only in isolation. When they are shared in community, they become places of encouragement, accountability, and deeper formation. As you discuss the following questions, resist the urge to perform or fix. Instead, listen well, speak honestly, and encourage one another. Growth begins with truth, and God often uses community for the forming work he wants to accomplish in us.
The Discipline of Self-Denial: Why Christian Men Need Prayer and Fasting
We live in a culture obsessed with self-indulgence. From the moment we wake up, we’re told we deserve more: more comfort, more success, more experiences, more stuff. Bigger is better. Newer is necessary. If something feels hard, inconvenient, or uncomfortable, we’re encouraged to avoid it or upgrade out of it. The message is constant and convincing: you owe it to yourself.
