Lessons from 30 Years of Marriage: Fighting Fairly and Growing Together
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About
Two years ago, when Chris and Karla Hines joined The Redeemed Man, they had just launched Marriage in Focus, a ministry whose mission it is to resource married (and engaged) couples with Biblical principles that equip them for Godly marriages. Fast-forward to today: Marriage in Focus has grown immensely – so much so that Karla has even joined the ministry full-time. This week, the Hineses, who recently celebrated 30 years of marriage, sit down with Nate Dewberry to share what they’ve learned along the way. From communicating openly and “fighting fair” to embracing vulnerability and keeping God at the center, Chris and Karla offer hard-earned wisdom for men who want to see their marriages grow and thrive.
Show Notes
Segment chapters
0:00 Intro/A little bit of Chris and Karla’s backstory
4:19 The mission of Marriage in Focus and recent developments in the ministry
11:08 What MIF’s premarital counseling entails
18:34 How their counseling work has helped Chris and Karla’s marriage grow
24:55 Tips on “fighting fairly” and communicating well
31:09 How men can better articulate their true emotions in times of conflict
39:53 How women can encourage their husbands to be honest and vulnerable
48:22 Every couple’s situation is different—but God’s love is universal
53:53 Finding hope on the other side of infidelity and betrayal
Snippets/excerpts
8:13 to 9:22—The importance of good premarital counseling, and how the lack of it led to early struggles in Chris and Karla’s marriage
13:20 to 15:19—One of Chris and Karla’s favorite parts of their premarital counseling process
20:55 to 23:01—Chris explains the five Biblical pillars from where they derive the Focus name—and which of those pillars he thinks challenges him the most personally
25:19 to 26:59—“Keep the focus on the problem and not on the person”: Advice for fighting fairly and constructively
31:58 to 33:51—What’s really going on in men’s heads when they say “This is just how I am”—and how the Bible guides us to break free of those unhealthy patterns
46:36 to 47:59—A question more people should ask when they’re fighting with their partner: “Lord, what is out of alignment in my relationship with You?”
Discussion
6:16—How often do you and your spouse take time to “disconnect from the world,” as Chris puts it, and have a deep discussion about your marriage and your faith? Is that something you’ve been wanting to do more often but aren’t sure how to ask for it? Or is it something you think you’d dread doing, and if so, why?
15:13—If there was one question you wish you could’ve asked before you got married, what would it be? Did you end up finding the answer later on in your marriage? If so, did you have to find it out “the hard way”?
23:14—How unselfish would you say you are as a marriage partner? In what areas of your marriage are you the most giving and flexible? In what areas are you the most rigid and unwilling to give or compromise—living for yourself rather than for your spouse, or for God? Why do you think that is?
25:55—When you and your spouse fight, are you fighting to resolve an issue constructively and make things better, or are you “fighting to win,” to prove yourself superior and make your spouse feel lesser? How do you think your spouse would answer that question?
29:41—In arguments with your spouse, what are you more likely to do: articulate your true and honest feelings, or put up a front to intimidate, or appear unmoved by, your spouse?
32:32—What do you remember about the way your own parents argued—how often they fought, whether they raised their voices, whether they hurled personal insults, how those fights ended, etc.? Do you see any of that mirrored in the way you and your spouse fight—and do you see any unhealthy patterns you’d like to break free of?
41:38—According to Karla, in times of conflict, women want to feel heard and seen, while men want honor and respect. Do you think that’s an accurate portrayal of you and your spouse? Do you listen to your spouse and hear out her true concerns, and does she make you feel respected? What are some ways in which you could both do better?
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