Making Friends as an Adult
Making friends as an adult is a completely different ballgame than it was as a kid. I made my best friend in elementary when I nearly kicked him in the head as he walked past the swingset. As an adult friendship requires a bit more attention, strategy even. But while it takes work, building your “village” of friendships is worth it. It can even lengthen your life expectancy! Here’s some advice for pushing past the busy, the awkward, and the accidental things that get in the way of making (and sustaining) friendships as an adult.
One of the biggest obstacles to friendships in adulthood is life itself. As we get busy, it’s tough to find time to connect, and if we’re not intentional about making people part of our lives, it’s easy to drift apart.
While it might seem uncool, the “administrative” work of reaching out to ask someone to get a cup of coffee or work out together is essential. Simply being the first person to reach out and make plans is an excellent start. And remember, among friends, there’s no errand too small.
Especially with new friendships, it can be helpful to spend time together while doing something else. In an article on Psychology Today, Dr. Thomas Henricks describes “side-by-side” friendships compared to “face-to-face” friendships. Starting with side-by-side activities like playing a round of golf or going on a hike together can take the pressure off by providing a common experience and a third point to focus on as you get to know each other.
This next piece of advice may seem counterintuitive: ask for help. In uncertain social situations, the positive feeling of being able to help someone else can be a tremendous ice-breaker. In the same way that a guest accepting an offered glass of water can strangely be a blessing to the host, asking for a friend’s help provides an opportunity for growing closer.
Want a second opinion on what color to stain the deck or help moving? On one level, that’s time and a task you can do together. On a deeper level, it’s a bid for connection, a small risk you take for the sake of the friendship.
When dogs play-fight, they often sneeze. I learned this strange fact recently when visiting a friend’s house. The sneezing signals to the other dog that it’s not a real fight. Getting close requires vulnerability, and asking for help with a small thing can be our equivalent of a sneeze, an opportunity to opt into the relationship.
Likewise, be ready to offer help! Picking up something extra at the store, lending a hand with a repair, or another small favor can show you care and that you’re willing to show up for them. Building trust with small things is an excellent way to build toward deeper friendship.
People grow and change over time, and no one changes more dramatically than the people in our lives that we take for granted. While it can be tempting to stay light and uninvolved when catching up, making the effort to break down walls and be honest with one another is part of strong and mutually supportive friendships. If you notice something unusual or off about your friend’s behavior, find the right moment and check in with them.
Staying curious isn’t limited to crises either. Over time, you should feel comfortable checking in about what’s important to them. What is God teaching them these days? What’s challenging them? What is making them excited to get up in the morning? It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate. Some of my most meaningful moments with friends have been walking through a corn field and hearing about what God has been doing in their lives.
A few ingredients were essential there: making the time to talk—without distraction; mutual trust that the other person would be rooting for us, even as we shared the “ugly” parts of ourselves; and finally, genuine love and curiosity. I want to know what God is doing in the lives of my friends because I love to celebrate their wins with them, and I often learn a lot from listening to their stories.
Conclusion
Making friends as an adult, in many ways, is quite similar to making friends as a kid. Spend time together, be trustworthy, ask for help and be willing to help them, and stay curious about what they’re up to. While it may seem obvious, friendship at all ages is much like every other relationship. It takes work, and it echoes God’s love for us.
If you’re looking to forge new friendships and seek God together, we suggest you sign up for a Starting Point session. You could even invite a friend to go with you. These twice monthly sessions provide a space to learn more about The Redeemed’s work helping men connect and grow in their faith. You’ll also hear more about our small groups, designed as a place to meet like-minded men and find a supportive community.
The Formative Community small group is one such group dedicated to addressing the common challenges men face, including insecurity, isolation, and the pressure to maintain a strong exterior. Together, the group will unpack themes like brotherhood, personal growth, and living with integrity through sessions that include personal reflection, group discussion, and practical application.
Connect with The Redeemed Community
If you’re inspired to practice building lasting relationships and would like to journey alongside like-minded believers, consider joining one of The Redeemed’s small groups. Whether you prefer meeting in person or connecting online, our community is here to support and grow with you.
Join us and discover how our relationships make us stronger than ever.
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