How to Break the Cycle of Dysfunction

About

“I was a baby that was supposed to save a marriage,” Jake Stahnke remembers. Instead, his parents divorced before he was even 18 months old. That led to a challenging childhood marked by turbulence and abuse, which Jake responded to by walling himself off from certain emotions entirely.

When Jake met his future wife, he describes the two of them as “two trainwrecks” who endured a long period of dysfunction because they’d simply never learned to relate to each other on a deeper level. Then Jake’s wife found a church, and a church family—and eventually he realized he needed to undertake a spiritual journey of his own if their marriage was to survive.

Now celebrating 14 years of marriage and two amazing daughters, Jake is an online group leader with The Redeemed, guiding and encouraging other men as they deal with the fallout of their own dysfunctional pasts. This week Jake sits down with Redeemed founder Paul Amos to share his story and the lessons he’s learned along the way, offering hope for men wanting to break free from the brokenness of their past, and build a healthier future for themselves and their families.

Show Notes

Segment chapters

0:00 Intro/Jake’s backstory

3:55 Jake’s survival methods in turbulent times

8:05 An unlikely relationship, dysfunction, and redemption

13:43 Interlude 1—small groups promo

14:07 When we don’t have good role models for healthy relationships

22:52 Jake’s relationship with The Redeemed

29:21 Interlude 2—online groups promo/Outro

Think About It

Sit with these before you say anything out loud.

The things we refuse to feel. 

(6:26) Are there emotions you’ve learned to ignore, bury, or avoid during difficult seasons of life? What were you trying to protect yourself from? How might those unaddressed emotions have affected your relationships with God and others? Psalm 62:8

The emotions I refused to acknowledge:

How I thought I’d benefit from shutting them out:

How avoiding those emotions has affected me and my relationships:

When growth happens at different speeds.

(12:44) Have you ever been in a relationship where one person was growing or working through past struggles while the other seemed stuck? How did those differences affect the relationship? What does it look like to extend patience and grace to someone while still taking responsibility for your own growth? Galatians 6:2

Where I’ve experienced different seasons of growth:

How those differences affected the relationship:

Where I need to demonstrate greater patience or take responsibility:

Talk It Out

These are worth saying out loud in a group, with a brother, or with God himself.

How childhood shapes us.

(1:45) Jake shares how his parents’ divorce and the instability of his childhood affected him long into adulthood. What experiences from your childhood have shaped the way you view yourself, trust others, or approach relationships today? Are there wounds or patterns from those early years that you are still working through? Psalm 27:10

When brokenness shapes our relationships.

(10:20) Jake describes how he and his wife entered their relationship carrying unresolved pain and unhealthy patterns. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where past wounds influenced how you communicated, trusted, or responded to conflict? How did those patterns affect the relationship? What helped you begin building healthier connections? Proverbs 4:23

When we resist what God is doing.

(24:33) Jake admits he was initially reluctant to pursue a deeper relationship with God. Have you ever resisted taking a step you knew might help you grow spiritually? What fears, doubts, or excuses held you back? Was there a person, experience, or moment that helped you become more open to what God was doing in your life? Romans 2:4

Take Action

Don’t let this stay in your head. Do something with it.

It ends with me.

(18:30) Whether we realize it or not, we often carry patterns from our upbringing into our adult relationships. Are there ways you respond to conflict, express anger, withdraw emotionally, or treat others that reflect what you experienced growing up? What is one unhealthy pattern you want to stop repeating? How can you invite God into the process of changing it? Romans 12:2

The patterns I’ve carried into adulthood:

One behavior I want to change:

One practical step I can take this week:

How I can seek God’s help and invite accountability:

Closing

Our past has a way of following us. The wounds we carry, the relationships that shaped us, and the patterns we learned growing up can influence how we treat others today. Sometimes we repeat behaviors we once promised ourselves we’d never repeat.

But our past doesn’t have to determine our future.

Scripture reminds us that in Christ, we are made new (2 Corinthians 5:17). That doesn’t mean the pain of our past disappears overnight or that change comes easily. It means our past no longer has the final word over who we are. Through God’s grace, the work of the Holy Spirit, and the support of others, we can begin to recognize unhealthy patterns and learn a different way to live.

This week, take an honest look at how you respond to the people closest to you. Are there behaviors, attitudes, or reactions that reflect wounds from your past? Identify one pattern you want to change. Bring it before God in prayer, ask him to help you take a step toward change, and consider sharing it with a trusted brother who can walk alongside you.

You may not be responsible for everything that happened to you, but you can take responsibility for how you respond today. And through Christ, your story doesn’t have to end where it began.