When You Can’t Fix It: Choosing Hope Anyway
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About
What do you do when the problem in front of you is one you can’t fix?
In 2008, Jay Wolf was finishing law school, raising a six-month-old son with his wife, Katherine, and imagining the life they were about to build together. Then, without warning, Katherine suffered a catastrophic brainstem stroke. Doctors didn’t expect her to survive. She did, but the life Jay and Katherine had planned was gone.
In this conversation with Redeemed director Nate Dewberry, Jay shares what nearly two decades of walking through suffering, disability, marriage, fatherhood, and ministry have taught him about the kind of hope that survives when circumstances don’t change the way we want them to.
Jay talks candidly about a struggle many men know well: we want to fix things. But what happens when we can’t? What happens when strength looks less like solving the problem and more like allowing other people to carry us? And how do we keep disappointment from hardening our hearts?
Jay and Nate explore the power of Christian community, the unexpected treasures hidden in dark seasons, and why the hardest chapters of our lives don’t have to be wasted.
Hope isn’t pretending everything will turn out the way we planned. As Jay puts it, hope is “believing in advance what only makes sense in reverse.”
Show Notes
Segment chapters
0:00 Intro/Jay’s wife’s traumatic health event
5:56 “A miraculous rebirth”
12:07 Where Jay and his family stood at the time of his wife’s stroke
16:11 How Jay was changed by the experience
21:03 Interlude 1/Small group promo
21:27 The “treasures” Jay and his wife discovered in their time of challenge
29:02 Men’s reluctance to accept help in times of struggle
36:30 How Jay and his wife are using their story to help others
44:50 Reflections on the “miracle” of parenthood
48:11 Interlude 2/Online group promo
48:35 What Jay has learned about hope
Think About It
Sit with these before you say anything out loud.
What happens when I can’t fix it?
(16:01) Most men are wired to see a problem and immediately start looking for a solution. Jay entered Katherine’s recovery realizing there were things no amount of intelligence, effort, planning, or determination could change. Think about something in your life right now that you desperately want to fix. Proverbs 3:5-6
What part is actually within your control? What isn’t? How are you responding to the part you can’t change?
What I’m trying to fix:
What is actually within my control:
What I need to entrust to God:
Has hardship made my heart harder—or softer?
(25:12) Jay talks about developing “thick skin” while fighting to keep a soft heart. Think about the disappointments, losses, betrayals, or frustrations you’ve experienced. Where have they made you stronger? Where have they made you guarded, cynical, angry, or distant? Hardship can deepen our faith, but it can also expose resentment, fear, pride, or self-protection that we have allowed to take root. Romans 5:3–5
Something that has hardened me:
How that hardness shows up today:
What it might look like to let God soften that part of me:
Who would show up if everything fell apart?
(3:19) When Jay arrived at the hospital, he found the waiting room filled with familiar faces from his church. Years of investing in Christian community suddenly became very real. Galatians 6:2
If your life changed tomorrow, who would be sitting in your waiting room?
And maybe the harder question: Whose waiting room would you be sitting in?
The people I could call at 2 a.m.:
The people who know what’s really happening in my life:
Someone I need to show up for more intentionally:
Talk It Out
These are worth saying out loud in a group, with a brother, or with God himself.
Where have you seen God at work in a place you never wanted to go?
(19:00) Jay and Katherine learned to look for “treasures in the dark.” They weren’t pretending the darkness was good, but recognized that God was still present within it. Looking back on one of your hardest seasons, what can you see now that you couldn’t see then? Did God give you greater compassion? A deeper relationship? A different priority? Greater dependence on Him? A new calling? Looking back, where can you see God meeting you, shaping you, or sustaining you even though you would never have chosen the circumstances? Romans 8:28
Are you still trying to live an old dream?
(19:53) Jay had a picture of what his marriage, career, and family would look like. After Katherine’s stroke, much of that future was no longer possible. Eventually he had to ask whether he could “dream a new dream.” Is there a version of your life you’ve been trying to get back to—or a future you’ve been insisting has to happen? Is there a plan, dream, or version of your life that you need to surrender to God? What would it look like to trust His direction even if your future looks different from what you expected? Proverbs 16:9
What has God formed in you through hardship?
(23:21) Think about a painful season in your life. Without minimizing what happened or calling the suffering good, can you see ways God used that season to shape you? Did He deepen your faith, expose something in you, teach you dependence, or give you greater compassion for others? What are you still learning from that experience? James 1:2–4
Take Action
Don’t let this stay in your head. Do something with it.
How could God use my story to help another man?
(39:24) Has anyone ever told you they were deeply touched or inspired by a story you’d told them of a difficult period you’d endured? Were you surprised to receive that feedback? Did it make you feel more empowered to tell that story to others? Your story isn’t ultimately about showcasing your strength. It can become a way of pointing another man toward the God who met you in your weakness. 2 Corinthians 1:3–4
The person who said my story helped them:
How I could use that story to help others:
A new perspective on hope.
(50:05) Biblical hope isn’t pretending everything will work out the way we want. It is choosing to trust God even when we cannot see what He is doing. Where are you struggling to trust God right now? What are you afraid will happen if you allow yourself to hope? What would it look like for your hope to rest less in a particular outcome and more in who God is? Romans 15:13
What hope means to me:
Why I embrace it—or fear it:
What might happen if I dare to choose it:
Closing
Difficult times—even traumatic, life-altering ones—are an unavoidable part of life. Sometimes we can’t prevent them, we can only choose how we respond to them. Will we try to endure them without help, then get bitter when we can’t fix the problem by ourselves? Or will we place our trust in God, accept the help He sends us through our loved ones, and use our story of perseverance to inspire others?
We were never meant to face life challenges completely on our own. If you’re dealing with hardship, take some time this week to really examine the sources of help that might be available—definitely from God, and probably from loved ones as well—and why you’ve been reluctant to reach out for it. If you’ve recently overcome a major life challenge, think about how you can use that experience to be a source of strength for someone else. We may not always understand why suffering happens or see what God is doing through it. But we can trust that He is present, that our suffering is not wasted in His hands, and that we were never meant to carry it alone.
Additional resources
Treasures in the Dark: 90 Reflections on Finding Bright Hope Hidden in the Hurting by Katherine Wolf (Jay’s wife’s book)
Hope Heals Camp (hopeheals.com)
MEND Coffee & Goods, 3655 Roswell Road NE, Atlanta, GA 30342 (mendcoffee.com)
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