Forgiveness Is Messy…but It’s Worth It
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About
Micah Davis has more experience with forgiveness than he probably ever wanted to have. The hurtful words spoken over him as a child that stuck with him throughout adolescence, the betrayals by both his father and his godfather, the family secrets that only came to light years later—all of them forced Micah to confront emotional pain at a relatively early age and weigh the cost of reconciliation.
Now a pastor and writer based in Indianapolis, Micah has determined that forgiveness, for all its complexity and messiness, is worth it—and he’s expounded on that topic in several books, as well as this week’s episode of The Redeemed Man. Micah and Nate Dewberry unpack the calculus of forgiveness and how admitting our pain is a necessary step in the process; they also discuss the lessons Scripture offers in healing from hurtful words, the challenges of leadership, and how fatherhood can upend the things we think we know about ourselves. Nearly every man, regardless of their age or background, will find something they can relate to in Micah’s life experience—and find wisdom in his insights.
Show Notes
Segment chapters
0:00 Intro/The negative words that stuck with Micah for many years
4:27 Hearing the Holy Spirit after a season of depression and disillusionment
9:41 How we can heal the wounds that hurtful words inflict
17:20 Micah looks back on the past 10 years since returning to the church
23:16 How Micah’s perspective has changed since becoming a dad
28:26 Thoughts on forgiveness, and why Micah wrote a book about it
36:10 We can’t forgive until we’re willing to honestly express our pain
43:11 Balancing leadership responsibilities with the need for human connection
Snippets/excerpts
2:24 to 3:24—The words that hurt Micah the most when he was young, and how they changed who he was
8:07 to 9:12—How the “holy drop” and the story of Moses and the burning bush convinced Micah to drop his excuses and return to the church
15:24 to 16:22—“He allows pain, but he doesn’t remove pain, because he wants to redeem it”
24:49 to 25:57—Micah describes how his personality and priorities changed once he had a child
33:21 to 34:16—“To forgive costs us greatly . . . [but] to not forgive may end up costing us more in the long run”
Think about it
Sit with these before you say anything out loud.
Seeing ourselves in scripture.
(12:04) Have you, like Micah, ever “found yourself” in a narrative from the Bible? Which individual did you see yourself in, and what did that person do or say that you identified so closely with? How has that recognition helped you grow as a person of faith?
The Biblical figure I identified with:
What they taught me about myself:
Discovering ourselves, warts and all.
(19:46) Micah describes his twenties as a time of self-discovery. What’s something you learned about yourself in your twenties that made you realize you needed to make some significant life changes? What’s something you learned that inspired you and gave you hope?
An uncomfortable truth:
A reason for hope:
Talk it out
These are worth saying out loud in a group, with a brother, or with God himself.
When words leave a lasting wound.
(3:26) Of all the negative things that were said to you or about you when you were young, what stuck with you the longest? Who said those things, and did that make the sting of those words more painful? In what way have those words shaped the person you are as an adult?
When a hero is revealed as a hypocrite.
(6:52) Have you ever felt betrayed by someone you looked up to as an example of godliness and virtue? What did that person do, and why did it hurt you so deeply and personally? Did it change the way you viewed people of faith or the church in general, and if so, how did your life change as a result?
When a new life changes everything.
(26:11) If you have kids, what’s the biggest way you changed as a person when your first child was born? Did you become gentler, less controlling, more loving, less selfish? What’s the single thing in your life that decreased the most in priority once you were taking care of a child?
Take action
Don’t let this stay in your head. Do something with it.
Assessing the cost of forgiveness.
(33:39) Think back to a time when you needed to forgive someone for a significant hurt, or when you needed to seek forgiveness for hurt you caused. What made forgiveness costly? What did repentance require? What did you have to surrender to God in order to release resentment or the desire to make the other person pay? How might forgiveness open the door to healing, even when reconciliation or restored trust takes longer? Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:31–32; Romans 12:17–21; Luke 17:3–4
What forgiveness required of me:
What I still need to surrender to God:
Getting real about your pain.
(37:34) Have you ever delayed forgiving someone because you simply didn’t want to admit how badly you’d been hurt? Why do you think it was so important that you not reveal that pain?
The act that wounded me:
Why I hid the hurt:
We can try to keep the anger inside—but it won’t stay there.
(42:05) When you’ve withheld forgiveness from someone and held on to that anger, where is that anger most likely to be “transferred”? Does it end up being aimed at someone else? Does it get channeled into an unhealthy habit?
Where that anger ended up:
What I could’ve done differently:
Closing
Micah doesn’t sugar-coat the challenges of forgiveness. It can be messy—there’s no formula to it and the healing isn’t necessarily immediate. And even though the eventual rewards are great, the initial cost can cause us to withhold our forgiveness—with self-destructive results.
Is there someone in your life you’ve been holding off on forgiving? Have an honest conversation with yourself, and with God, about the reasons for that reluctance. Make an equally honest assessment of what that pent-up resentment might cause. Nobody ever said forgiveness would be easy, but God can always help us find the strength to make the merciful choice.
Additional resources
Micah’s books:
- Trailblazers: A Journey to Discover God’s Purpose for Your Life (2023)
- Bible Promises for Forgiveness (2025)
- Three Strikes, You’re Forgiven: Encounter a God Who Wants to Redeem Your Past, Restore Your Present, and Transform Your Future (2025)
- The Forgiveness Way: A 40-Day Prayer Devotional on Letting Go and Moving Forward (2026)
A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Jerry Sittser
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