Porn, Shame, and the Path to Freedom

About

Jordan Castille was a skinny kid who was good at gymnastics and a member of his high school’s cheerleading squad—something it wasn’t easy to be in Texas in the late ’90s. The bullying he experienced, combined with some flawed family relationships, drove him to fill the void with pornography. It was only in college that Jordan came to terms with the damage his addiction was causing and sought help from the Lord.

Now happily married with three children, Jordan is a certified Christian counselor who draws on his own experience to coach other men out of a whole host of unhealthy sexual behaviors – including pornography. This week, Redeemed director Nate Dewberry sits down with Jordan to unpack porn addiction – from the brokenness that spawns it to the communities that can help men get “sober”. They discuss dealing with the anger and betrayal a partner might feel when a porn fixation is revealed, as well as how to make peace with the parts of ourselves that once inspired shame.

Show Notes

Segment chapters

Think about it

Sit with these before you say anything out loud.

When youthful joy is turned into shame.

(4:34) When you were young, did you have a talent, hobby, or interest that you were bullied about because it wasn’t seen as “cool” or “masculine”? How did that affect your enjoyment of that interest? What kinds of hurt did that bullying cause that has continued to impact you as an adult?

What I loved:

Why I felt ashamed:

The pain that’s stuck with me:

The roots of a destructive pattern.

(21:32) Have you ever struggled with pornography or an unhealthy fixation on sexual imagery? How were you introduced to it? Looking back, what wounds, desires, circumstances, or patterns helped turn curiosity into something you repeatedly returned to? How did that struggle affect your relationship with God and others? James 1:14–15

My introduction to pornography:

Why I couldn’t stay away from it:

Talk it out

These are worth saying out loud in a group, with a brother, or with God himself.

What failure made me believe.

(10:35) Have you struggled with a sin or failure that you saw other men overcoming while you were unable to? What sorts of things did that lack of success cause you to believe about yourself? Did those beliefs make you feel like no longer trying? Romans 8:1, 1 John 1:9

When your spouse feels betrayed.

(29:03) Have you ever confessed sexual sin or another serious failure to your spouse, expecting to feel relieved, only to be surprised by the depth of their hurt, anger, or sense of betrayal?

Take action

Don’t let this stay in your head. Do something with it.

The illusion of isolation.
(14:22) Looking back on the sin or brokenness you’ve dealt with in your adult life, were there moments that made you think, “I’m the only person struggling with this”? What made you feel like you were alone in that struggle? How did you finally come to realize that you weren’t the only one facing that problem?

My secret shame, and why I felt like it was mine alone:
How I realized I wasn’t alone after all:

Seeing yourself through God’s eyes.

(34:42) Think back to the interest, ability, or characteristic you were made to feel ashamed of as a young man. How have you begun to see that part of yourself differently? Are there lies about yourself you still need to let go of? What would it look like to receive your identity from God rather than from what others have said about you? Psalm 139:13–14, Ephesians 2:10

How I rediscovered the joy I’d lost:

What I know now that I wish I’d known then:

Closing

Pornography can seem like a private sin, but its effects rarely stay private. It can distort the way we see sex and other people, damage intimacy and trust, feed secrecy and shame, and pull us away from the life God desires for us.

But pornography does not have to have the final word.

In Christ, there is forgiveness for our sin and freedom from condemnation. God calls us out of darkness and into the light, not so that we can be crushed by our shame, but so that we can repent, receive His grace, and learn to walk in freedom.

And we were never meant to fight that battle alone. James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for one another. Bringing what has been hidden into trusted Christian community can break the power of secrecy and give other men the opportunity to encourage us, challenge us, pray for us, and walk alongside us.

Freedom may not happen overnight. But through the grace of God, the work of the Holy Spirit, the truth of Scripture, and the support of faithful brothers, we can continue taking steps toward holiness and becoming more like Christ.