Rebuilding Marriages from the Ground Up

About The Podcast

As a technician in the power industry, TJ Mackenzie was part of a “manly” profession in which stress was high and talking about emotions was discouraged. It nearly destroyed his marriage. Through counseling, he got the help he needed and now provides counseling and relationship coaching for men in similar situations. TJ talks this week about his journey and what he’s learned about sharing emotions honestly.

Show Notes

Timestamps

Discussion

1. Have you ever been in a career field, position, or company where it felt like you were discouraged from being open about your feelings or problems you were experiencing? How did that affect the fulfillment you felt in your job? Did it add stress to your life that manifested itself outside work?
2. TJ comments that our children often “mirror” what we’re going through in our lives—even when we don’t want to admit it to ourselves. Seeing his own child mirror things back to him that he didn’t like, TJ says, was one of the most significant signs his life and marriage were in crisis. Have you ever witnessed one of your children, or a young person you were responsible for, imitating negative behaviors they saw in you? What did that tell you about your own life, and what changes, if any, did you make as a result?
3. Have you ever had regular visits (i.e., at least once a month) with a psychologist, therapist, or counselor? If so, what prompted you to begin that relationship, and how has that person helped you? If not, what are your reasons for resisting that kind of help?
4. Think about a time in your life when you were in crisis or at a low point emotionally and eventually sought help from a counselor, pastor, mentor, or friend. What made you decide you weren’t equipped to handle those problems on your own? Why did you choose that particular person to ask for help?
5. Have you ever gone through a period when you felt disconnected from your spouse? What do you think was at the root of that disconnection: was it shame, insecurity, or fear? When your spouse began occupying less “space” in your life, did you try to replace them with something else—work, a hobby, an unhealthy addiction?
6. Do you agree with TJ and Nate that God “designed us to be connected”? If so, which personal connections in your life are you most grateful for? If not, why do you feel that way?
7. Have you ever struggled with something and felt like you were “the only one” dealing with that particular problem, weakness, or anxiety? How did you eventually come to realize you weren’t alone after all?
8. How would you rate your emotional intelligence? Do you feel like you’re aware of your emotions—positive or negative—and in pretty good control of them? If not, which emotions are most likely to get out of control for you? Have you ever resisted “getting in touch with your emotions” because it seemed effeminate or self-absorbed?
9. In looking for role models and mentors, TJ says he gravitates toward people who intimidate him a little. Is there someone you know who has a life, marriage, family, etc. that you’d like to model your own life after, but they seem so strong and “put together” that they intimidate you? Do you feel like your own life, marriage, family, etc. seems inadequate by comparison? What would it take for you to be willing to seek out their advice or mentorship?

Additional Resources:

Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken by Dr. Henry Cloud

Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples by Dr. Sue Johnson